#1
I think I’m coming round

She said there’ll be blood in the morning
I said “oh stop, you’re boring!
I got paper in my pocket and you ain’t gonna stop it
Pouring into a glass”

She said “oh I am”

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for

A face too

So sunrise, sunrise, veins open up
I look around and everything’s covered in blood
say “I thought it would, I didn’t show it but I thought,
I think I‘m caught”

She went kiss-kiss

And I got shit-

To throw back

Running out of my place lipstick blood on my face
Running back to the scene lipstick goddess devil queen

She said “like that?”

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for

A face too

Do you want to come to?


I always say this, but first for a while. SONG. C4C if you want one back, as I'm hanging round for a bit. Just so we can whitewash the US team 5-0. Or that's the aim.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
I think I’m coming round

She said there’ll be blood in the morning
I said “oh stop, you’re boring!
I got paper in my pocket and you ain’t gonna stop it
Pouring into a glass”

Very interesting. I like the start. It suggests a lot of different things and leaves it up to the reader to decipher what is going on. Given the first line, I think it's over-coming something though, and since it involves a female, my first guess is heartbreak.

However, one thing that bothers me is how line 1 and 2 rhyme. It seems a tad forced.


She said “oh I am”

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for

This kinda' killed it for me. I just can't imagine that flowing well without it being some bad 80's kinda music, reminisce of "Another One Bites Though Dust" (For some reason). The simile seems very forced to me, and I just can't imagine who you're talking about.

A face too

So sunrise, sunrise, veins open up
I look around and everything’s covered in blood
say “I thought it would, I didn’t show it but I thought,
I think I‘m caught”

I know where you're going with this. I like this stanza. It's well written, and just like the first stanza, is open for interpretation. It's descriptive, yet vague at the same time.


She went kiss-kiss

And I got shit-

To throw back

Running out of my place lipstick blood on my face
Running back to the scene lipstick goddess devil queen

She said “like that?”

Murder she wrote? Interesting part of the piece. My favorite part thus far. No comments. It just works for me.

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for

Already commented on. The repetition fits though.

A face too

Do you want to come to?



The lines you repeated add a slightly cryptic level to the poem as well. Not bad man. It does need a little work though.

If you'd be kind and review my piece:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=906006
#3
I particularly like the way it begins and ends in the same place - coming 'round, coming along. That holds all the insides together nicely.

I'm thinking it's a song - but I can't for certain tell. I like it, but not an awful lot. It doesn't really seem to be "my thing". I also don't feel like I comprehend it as well as I should. I might be looking too deep, though, so who knows.

Running out of my place lipstick blood on my face
Running back to the scene lipstick goddess devil queen
I love the first line here, mostly because "lipstick blood" works well together. The next like really killed me, with "lipstick goddess devil queen". It's great for the internal rhyme with scene, and it could present something about who the narrator is talking about (goddess/devil) but it's a string of nouns, and I feel like something more exciting/strong could be said. As it is, it seems like a waste of four words to make a rhyme.

I'm not great with songs (if it is a song?) and as I said it isn't my "thing" so a review of it from me might not be the most helpful, but there you go! It's all I can think to say. I'd C4C but I don't have anything new up! Will in a little bit though, so keep your eyes open?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15198331#post15198331
Last edited by Androgyne at Jul 10, 2008,
#4
idk

it was kind of sloppy
and it seems like you we're trying to try thing new out

and honestly i got to say
i liked it
#5
Well, this was one of your quirkier pieces, and I have to say, I think you overused internal rhymes and alliteration. Well, maybe not OVERused, but they didn't feel liked they helped. The speed was good, though.
#6
not even close tp being as good as some of your'e other pecies, it looks like everything was very forced, or you were feeling lazy. my favorite 2 parts were these

So sunrise, sunrise, veins open up
I look around and everything’s covered in blood
say “I thought it would, I didn’t show it but I thought,
I think I‘m caught”

She went kiss-kiss

And I got ****-

To throw back

Running out of my place lipstick blood on my face
Running back to the scene lipstick goddess devil queen

She said “like that?”


everything else was very bad compared to most of your works.
i dunno mabye i just wasn't feeling it because ^they^ seemed to like it,
but to me the poem was just... ehh.

Edit: sorry I didn't do a full Crit, but I figured this was enough.
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Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 10, 2008,
#7
I think I’m coming round

She said there’ll be blood in the morning
I said “oh stop, you’re boring!
I got paper in my pocket and you ain’t gonna stop it
Pouring into a glass”
It's unclear to me whether you
omitted the simple by here
before pouring, or if you were
going for the more abstract from.
The inclusion may take away from the confusion
without harming the piece.


She said “oh I am”

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
This line just hit me well, I like
the way you are very choosy about
when you use commas instead of
line breaks and vice-versa.

Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Cheetah is such a clichéd comparison,
why not something new like
back hair like a polar bear?

Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for


A face too

So sunrise, sunrise, veins open up
Come on, you can do better than open up.
I look around and everything’s covered in blood
say “I thought it would, I didn’t show it but I thought,
Lower case say and no punctuation
makes for a puzzling transition.
It's not exactly that I didn't hear the unsaid I,
but even with that it sounded off.

I think I‘m caught”

She went kiss-kiss

And I got shit-

To throw back

Running out of my place lipstick blood on my face
Running back to the scene lipstick goddess devil queen

Meh.

She said “like that?”

And I got shit -

Scared ‘cos she’s quick, a real predator
Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah
Wit that is quick like a matchstick is lit
And breasts to die for

A face too

Do you want to come to?


At first I thought this could be one of your best, but as I read on it got sloppier and sloppier, and not up to par with your ability. Still though, when reading not looking to crit, nice little piece here. If you want to take a look at my latest

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904035

I'd be much obliged.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 10, 2008,
#8
This was far from your best, with slightly confusing line breaks and lonely lines floating between stanzas for it to be easily interpreted as a song. The diction was okay, some phrases worked well, some didn't, and on a personal note, the ain'ts and gots don't really do it. I did like the simile/metaphor line, Eyes like a hawk and legs of a cheetah.