#1
Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks,
twisted nudity fondling flesh,
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder,
caressing my navel.

I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed.

Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber
I fall. Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull.

You drive away and leave me breathless.
#2
Everything besides this was excellent:
"Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull."

This was weird and out of place and everything in it, sound, harsh consonance, and imagery was too brash for it's own good. If you keep this expand upon the ideas into another line or two. Make each destructive clause a complete thought and keep the flow that you have maintained very well through the first part of the poem.

The rest was great, really. The shoulder line was gold and so was the ending line. Really enjoyed reading (with the exception of the part I pointed out). Maybe go through the first stanza one more time for anything that sticks out (the "are the truck" seemed maybe a little abrupt) but really good stuff.

#3
I like it. Sexuality mixed with technology. Reminds me of J.G. Ballard a little bit. I understand the poem completely and can relate to the character's feeling of rejection after the one night stand.

I felt the sentence structure fit the the poem very well, and you get the point across clearly and concisely. You keep your adjectives varied and interesting.

Would you consider critiquing my piece? The link is my signature.
#4
Quote by Androgyne
Your body is the road
of potholes and pinpricks,
twisted nudity fondling flesh,
I love the rhythm here, especially on the third line.
and your fingers are the truck
careening too close to the shoulder,
I like these two lines as well, the imagery in them is amazing.
caressing my navel.
I don't like the abruptness in this line, maybe if you added an adverb for caressing.

I balance on the curb – the edge of your bed.
Once again, great imagery.

Then, into the silk sheets
of concrete and rubber
I fall. Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull.
I can really get the feeling here, good job.

You drive away and leave me breathless.
Great ending line. I like how it kind of puts together the roadkill and one night stand theme, because she's actually driving away, but I could be wrong on that.


Overall, a good peice with grewat imagery. I had trouble with the rythm in the first verse, but that's about it.
#5
Quote by #1 synth
Everything besides this was excellent:
"Your limbs make
roadkill of my virginity
while all the life I own gushes
out of my shattered skull.":


+1 no offense it could be really good if this was changed somehow
#6
Thanks all.

Quote by mgilesfan27
+1 no offense it could be really good if this was changed somehow


I understand that it could be changed; I've heard it a few times now. But no one is telling me how it should be changed, so I don't know what I should do, and what the readers are looking for (other than something softer, which isn't a direction I want to take this poem in). So until someone gives me a clearer view of what they think would fit, I'm going to leave it alone.

Or maybe I'll just let it stew and come back in a few weeks. Thanks anyway! All comments are greatly appreciated.
#7
I think I'm becoming a fan. This was an enjoyable piece and was nicely done. I didn't like it as much as your last and I agree about those few lines. The only thing I could think of though was that making roadkill is an odd way to put it. You are usually left with roadkill or see roadkill but then you have to watch out for tense issues. You seem like a talented writer, though, so you might be able to work with that or come up with a better direction.

I don't think it's a huge deal, though.

Over all, I liked it but didn't love it.

see ya
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