#1
I used to skip around the present tense, fat and fucking merry
ripped on wooden instruments, spending time at the 99 pence store.
Eating robin eggs for cigarettes.
A little less than common sense.
Marker smell is heaven sent.
Love is four letters.
Death is five letters.
You have four letters.
I have five letters.
But being a barfly is so much better.

I used to have a soul kicking around somewhere in my guts.
Poor advice.
#2
This is a nice little poem. Definately loved the 'en' internal rhymes

Also the title is pretty sweet-sounding
It made me imagine someone actually wiping their feet, as in you could hear the swish swish sound because rhythm was in the same sentence

And I think you meant 'heaven scent', not sent, although sent meakes sense too

I'm not sure if there's anything else ro crit, it seems perfect to me

oh, and you misspelled rhythm


if ever you want to take a peek:http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904317
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
I used to skip around the present tense, fat and fucking merry
Everything before the comman was great, as far as an intro. The rest felt tacked on, like an unneccessary addition to your syllable count.
ripped on wooden instruments, spending time at the 99 pence store.
"99 pence store" felt clumsy.
Eating robin eggs for cigarettes.
A little less than common sense.
Marker smell is heaven sent.
Decent line with a decent rhyme.
Love is four letters.
Death is five letters.
You have four letters.
I have five letters.
Man can only withstand the word "letters" so many times. The concept didn't add anything. You'd be better off just saying "You have love, I have death". I mean, it wouldn't be a great line, but the letters thing isn't making it better.
But being a barfly is so much better.
The rhyme with letters is appealing, but not enough to keep the concept.

I used to have a soul kicking around somewhere in my guts.
Wraps it up nicely.

Your style is unique, but I think this could be tightened up a bit.
#4
I used to skip around the present tense

That has to be one of the coolest lines I've ever read. You're spectacular ability to create such imagery in such simple words is exactly the reason I voted you WotM. It continues to captivate me with it's edginess until these two lines:

You have four letters.
I have five letters.

It was unpleasant to have to read the four/five letter thing over again with such little chance for intermission. I know there is some other way you can say you are love, I am death with four and five without repeating yourself. Basically, I enjoyed the setup, but not the follow-up.

Other than that small complaint I thought this was a great, short piece.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
I like this piece dude. I LOVE the last line...
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#9
I would say I wish you were a worse writer than you are
but then I'd be lying
because really
I just wish I was better.



Great piece man. I always love the way you use repetition.