#1
Well, I was playing the piano and had an amazing idea for a poem and here it is.


What a life,
The man in the piano,
who seems so everfree.

A life of music,
A life of joy,
for the man who makes the noise.

The one who loves,
the one who cares,
he who works the piano.
Oh, how i envy thee!

Such a life,
The man in the piano,
Who seems so trapped

A life of Music,
And music alone,
the man who always cries

the one who loved
the one who cared,
the one who's trapped,
by the one he loves
and buy the one he cared.
Oh, how i pity thee.
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Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

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Viscara (my band)
Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 14, 2008,
#3
yah, it's in my sig, look at angel demons voices and cards.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#4
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
Well, I was playing the piano and had an amazing idea for a poem and here it is.


What a life,
The man in the piano,
who seems so everfree.
Already diggin' your rhythm.

A life of music,
A life of joy,
for the man who makes the noise.
An interesting move to go ABB, but that leaves the first stanza in the dust, doesn't it? Here we are, ABC - DEE. I mean, it's kind of a refrain, but it feels disconnected with the latter part of the verse.

The one who loves,
the one who cares,
the one works the piano.
This line is the intruder, the one who has the heavy weight of making four lines look normal, considering the transition. It doesn't get it right. I think maybe that "the one" shouldn't be attempted in the third line.
Oh, how i envy thee!
Decent.

Such a life,
The man in the piano,
Who seems so trapped

A life of Music.
And music alone.
the man who makes the sad noise
Didn't dig "sad noise", and I felt disconnected again, by the first stanza being left behind.

the one who loved
the one who cared,
the one who's trapped,
by the one he loves
and buy the one he cared.
Oh, how i pity thee.
Decent ending.


Good stuff overall. Good concept.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Good stuff overall. Good concept.

I see what you mean, Im definitly going to edit this, but it might take me a long time to edit parts, i hate editing. generally if you write itlonger than 10 minutes it loses it raw feeling, if you get what i mean, like it doesen't seem as spontaniesly (did i spell that right?) flowing out of my head?
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
Last edited by Mr.Cuddles at Jul 10, 2008,
#7
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
I see what you mean, Im definitly going to edit this, but it might take me a long time to edit parts, i hate editing. generally if you write itlonger than 10 minutes it loses it raw feeling, if you get what i mean, like it doesen't seem as spontaniesly (did i spell that right?) flowing out of my head?


Sometimes that raw emotion can be misleading. If you write emotionally, let the piece sit and see if it stands the test of time. I've felt great about pieces that sucked, simply because I was in the mood.

And I hate editing too...
#8
Not bad, Mr. Cuddles. I like the idea behind the poem... very original. To subtly hint that although we are pressing the keys, the instrument has it's own life... heaven knows I've often gone "What!" when listening to something I started writing come back and sound completely different! Twilight Zone...

I likes!

Chow.
#9
i knew I wasn't the only one (should this repies to both of the comments above this)
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)
#10
Quote by Mr.Cuddles
Well, I was playing the piano and had an amazing idea for a poem and here it is.


What a life,
The man in the piano,
who seems so everfree.
Very odd rythym pattern here but I have grown to like it.
A life of music,
A life of joy,
I'm not sure I enjoy the simple use of words here. "Joy" in particular does nothing for me.
for the man who makes the noise.
This is very fresh.

The one who loves,
the one who cares,
he who works the piano.
Oh, how i envy thee!
Once again, this is humorous and deliberate. Its right there in your face and you can't ignore it.

Such a life,
The man in the piano,
Who seems so trapped
This is really interesting. The whole piece took on a new meaning for me here.

A life of Music.
And music alone.
the man who always cries
The word "man" is repeated too much throughout this. This doesn't flow as well as other's did as well. The odd use of a full stop after the first and second line, and then the sudden addition of a line that neither flows or compliments the sentences in direct contact with each other.

the one who loved
the one who cared,
the one who's trapped,
by the one he loves
and buy the one he cared.
Oh, how i pity thee.
Really neat word play here I noticed, very smart and witty.


Overal this is very fresh, interesting, deliberate, weird, wonderful and often both neat and untidy. I think thats it's charm!
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Overal this is very fresh, interesting, deliberate, weird, wonderful and often both neat and untidy. I think thats it's charm!

thanks, i see what you mean and im fixing the full stops and such now.
Quote by Eliyahu
Mr.Cuddles killed The Metal!!!! FUCK YES!

Quote by TheReverend724
Mr Cuddles pretty much nailed it...

Quote by thanksgiving

"Oh Mr.Cuddles, you make my pants go boom boom. I are horny. Do not disappoint I"


Viscara (my band)