#1
At this point, this is more of a poem than a song. I might change it around in the future. And this is my second piece in 6 days, so I am within the time constraints (to prevent any future misunderstandings). Please crit this for me, I'll give you one back.

Since when could the world be simplified,
And broken down so far,
Until it’s composed of nothing
But numbers?
All the sights and the sounds
Emotions and ideas
Torn apart into single digits
On a calculator screen

But the scientists keep proclaiming:
Life is a hum of zeroes and ones,
A mathematical equation
A problem to be done
Every single thought goes
10101
It’s only life in binary

So take all the things that make up me
And load them all on to
A computer screen; so they can
Flash and beep,
And do all sorts of things
For everyone to see
It’s only life in binary.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 12, 2008,
#2
Good concept. The language didn't always hit home with me though, but the 10101 part was great. Once you got to "scientists" and "mathmatical", that initial punch was lost.
#3
Quote by Skaliveson
At this point, this is more of a poem than a song. I might change it around in the future. And this is my second piece in 6 days, so I am within the time constraints (to prevent any future misunderstandings). Please crit this for me, I'll give you one back.

Since when could the world be simplified,
And broken down so far,
Until it’s composed of nothing
But numbers?
All the sights and the sounds
Emotions and ideas
Torn apart into single digits
On a calculator screen

This is something thats very different from other things I've read but a good different. So far I like were its going.

But the scientists keep proclaiming:
Life is a hum of zeroes and ones,
A mathematical equation
A problem to be done
Every single thought goes
10101
It’s only life in binary

Its definitely getting better as you go, and I like that you kept the same subject going as some people tend to make different verses about different things.

So take all the things that make up me
And load them all on to
A computer screen; so they can
Flash and beep,
And do all sorts of things
For everyone to see
It’s only life in binary.


Well so far with what you have I think this would be the perfect ending keeps the subject and its definitely the climax point.

So far I think its good (assuming your not done yet ). I've read some of your others and you definitely keep a steady beat with it. I found it quite enjoyable. Good luck with it in the future if you do decide to change it around or anything. And if you wouldn't mind hitting mine up either >> http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=904870
#4
It needs more of a stable example, prehaps like a particular part of life that you're talking about. As is, it's like many an other thing I've read and isn't executed as beautifully as I'm sure it could be.

The 1010101 line was well good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
This is a very strong piece. Won't make a fll crit because I believe the song work well on its whole. It's probably the most coherent piece from you and a very enjoyable read. I really likes the line that goes "Life is a hum of zeroes and ones" really cool. Sorry if this sucks.. I'm not in a great mood today... But I still liked this one ! a lot ! I sense progression in this ^^
#6
yeah... liked it more on flight of the cochords.."Binary Solo."


c'mon sugar lick my battery!
#7
This is just nit-picking, really. You have a very strong piece here. It flows really well, and the rhyming is great. It's not predictable for the most part, and nothing sounds forced. My favorite part would have to be the
So take all the things that make up me
And load them all on to
A computer screen; so they can
Flash and beep,

The second to third line rhythm, when I read it, was pretty nice. Me likey alot.

The only hang up for me were these two lines
And do all sorts of things
For everyone to see

IMO, sounds vague and very predictable. My guess is a filler line? Again, this is only nitpicking, but I found that to be the weakest lines compared to the rest. When I read it, "for everyone to see" made the last line stress oddly. I guess my brain was thinking they were going to rhyme, and it put emphasis on the 'na' syllable of binary, as opposed to the 'ry'. If that makes any sense....

But overall, I like this piece alot. Nice job.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
Quote by Skaliveson
At this point, this is more of a poem than a song. I might change it around in the future. And this is my second piece in 6 days, so I am within the time constraints (to prevent any future misunderstandings). Please crit this for me, I'll give you one back.

Since when could the world be simplified,
And broken down so far,
Nice opening but the second line distorts the flow and doesn't add anything.
Until it’s composed of nothing
But numbers?
Try not to capatilize every line, it detracts from when you actually need to add the punctuation and capatalization.
All the sights and the sounds
Emotions and ideas
Torn apart into single digits
On a calculator screen
Great imagery here, really nice work mate.

But the scientists keep proclaiming:
Life is a hum of zeroes and ones,
A mathematical equation
A problem to be done
Great, except for "done".
Every single thought goes
10101
It’s only life in binary
Great, except for nothing!

So take all the things that make up me
And load them all on to
Maybe wright this as "And load them all up on to..." - It just seemed to flow that way when I was reading it and I had to correct myself to your approach. Just a thought mate.
A computer screen; so they can
Flash and beep,
Nice contiunation of the computer screen analogy; I love when people further their metaphors.
And do all sorts of things
For everyone to see
It’s only life in binary.
Really nice ending.


Lovely piece mate.

Digitally Clean
#10
hmmmm im not too keen on the name life on a calculator screen how about "life in binary"?
[lUlLaBiEs tO pAraLyZE]