#1
Got some fresh strings on the old acoustic guitar and felt like writing. Came up with this in about half an hour. Not my best, and a bit cliche but there's a few lines that I'm proud of. Anyway, crit 4 crit, comment 4 comment, you know the drill.


I am a ship, and you are my anchor
Forever holding me steady
I am a sprinter and you are my flagger
I'll run towards the sunset whenever you’re ready
Whenever you're ready

You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

I am a lamp, and you are my lightbulb
Together our stars are shining bright
I am but a baby, and you are my blankey
Keeping me safe and warm all through the night
All through the night

You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

Oh baby you are everything
Yes baby you are everything
Oh baby you are everything to me

You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

Oh baby you are everything
Yes baby you are everything
Oh baby you are everything to me
Last edited by Mlnwd at Jul 11, 2008,
#3
Hiii...

First off, thank you for your comment on my song...I really appreciate the feedback, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it!!! Positive comments are always nice...lol. Anyways...NOW...onto YOUR song...

I really enjoyed it!!! I like the little "pen to paper" and "ink to pen" metaphors. I've always thought that things like that were SOOO cute!!! I also really like the line, "You are all that I want, but can never be." I can relate to that; trust me. There is definitely a lot of emotion visible in the lyrics, which is definitely a good thing. Keep up the GREAT work!!!
#4
I am a ship, and you are my anchor
Forever holding me steady
I am a sprinter and you are my flagger
Flagger isn't a very appealing word. Neither
is sprinter for that matter. It seems as if you're trying
to force an image to set yourself up for a the sunset
cliche in the next line. My aesthetics may accept one cliche,
but two doesn't sit very well.

I'll run towards the sunset whenever you’re ready
Whenever you're ready

You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
Cute, and now that I've seen these more original
analogies, I know you can do more with the first verse.

And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

I am a lamp, and you are my lightbulb
Together our stars are shining bright
I am but a baby, and you are my blankey
blankey is such an ugly ugly word which
should never be used in any love song. Ever.
Please, stick with blanket.

Keeping me safe and warm all through the night
All through the night

You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

Oh baby you are everything
Yes baby you are everything
Oh baby you are everything to me

I've never been a fan of the word baby,
it's such a boy band word. By no stretch of my imagination
can I hear ths song being better with that word,
whereas it would be much more intimate without, imo.


You are the pen to my paper
The ink to my pen
Here it goes again
You are the chorus to my verse
The most beautiful song I’ve ever heard
And you are all that I want, but can never be
Oh baby, you are everything to me

Oh baby you are everything
Yes baby you are everything
Oh baby you are everything to me


It's hard to crit songs - weird huh, since the greater part is repetition - but if you're going to get this metaphorical, I'd make sure they're good ones that you really feel. I love the chorus, it's a perfect standard by which you should set the rest of the song.


Mind taking a look at Across Winter Country in the sig?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
It's a great song(for me at least), it is kinda cliche but it's still great, sometimes cliches are the best ; )
With an acoustic guitar playing the rythm this would be an amazing song
perfect for playing (or quoting) to your loved one.
"One bourbon, one scotch, one beer" *And one deadman, walking this land, with nothing, but a drink in his hand.*

C4C ?
And that's life , Empty Shell
#6
It's cliché but self-aware, it almost seems tongue in cheek. Overall a decent song.
"If God exists, there's no way he is French" - Andrea Pirlo

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