#1
with a finger and thumb
find the lighters request
burning red tithes and ribbon
engulf your hand with
interchangeable
assortments of skin

can you tell the difference?
look closer
now thats persistence!

reach the shelf where constellation lies
breach the stars alignment
signal the car to your side
seatbelt confirmation ended with click

my ears are hear
sing another alibi
put yourself to rest
layer that lasso
with blood and hair
wait, we'll catch it unaware

still half-awake dousing off
to the sound of staggered movement
dear atrac tape, soothe the headlight's sting

stop and stare
eyelids strut from excess glare
repeled by the rear view mirror
"just tell 'em ima sleep"

soften the stains with cigarette smoke
role down the window
just to hope he'll choke
as we get away clean
Last edited by tHesOundWolfs at Jul 11, 2008,
#4
with a finger and a thumb
find the lighters request
burning red tithes of ribbon
engulf your hand with
interchangeable assortments of skin

Intersting opening, the content is pretty solid, however a few things caught my eye: the syllable count in L1 and L2 is slightly off, the repeat of 'a' before thumb really spoiled the flow. Also I didn't really understand the use of 'tithes', to the best of my knowledge it means 'something to the tenth of'. Also the last line really stuck out, not in a good way, it's long and while the rhythm is strong, it's just too much after some simple lines.

can you tell the difference?
look closer
now thats persistence!

I liked this, nothing bad to say.

reach a little harder
the stars right there
signal the car on this side
what a riot
come now pilot
im ready for a ride

What happened here? the half finished lines, lack of apostrophes? 'harder' seemed like the wrong choice of words imo. L3 made no sense to me, and the lines that followed weren't much better. You've lost so much verve you had in the opening.

my ears are hear
sing another alibi
put yourself to rest
layer that lasso
with blood and hair
catch that star unaware

I would consider L1 to be a pun, but judging by the confusion over role/roll later in the piece I am not sure, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt though. I liked what you were saying in this stanza, I'm just not so keen on your sentence structure, for me reading single lines that ultimately relate stems the flow, but that's a personal thing.

still half-awake
dear atrac tape
soothe the headlight's sting

guard caught off
by excess glare
repeled by the rear view mirror
"just tell 'em ima sleep"

Wasn't a fan of this, you've taken a step from cutting lines down to completely ommiting words. 'guard caught off' in particular. I'm sure you could re-word this part slightly better.

soften the stains with cigarette smoke
role down the window
just to hope he'll choke
as we get away clean

I liked the ending, and no more. The content is back and the lines read well enough, but for me I'm not going to take anything away from this piece, I don't identify with it for lack of character, or anything that I could really picture which would come from a little bit of imagery here and there. The idea is here and I believe you're capable of good things, just consider each word for a little longer.

All the best
THW

Edit: If you've got the time this is my latest.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jul 11, 2008,