#1
I don't usually write like this...I probably never will again either. Idk...I havn't been writing much lately anyway.

I could almost hear a 'welcome' pulsing through the P.A. system
As I stepped past a world of tile into a world of pressed wood,
But it was only an arrangement of blastbeat under guttural screaming.
And there I first set eyes on her.
Red hair, blond streaks. Black framed glasses.
The song changes; It's something softer,
And I may just be spinning a fabrication,
But I would swear on my life the camera panned 360 degrees.
The camera focus swings like no snare and closed-hat beat could ever dream of.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
So I do what any man would do.
I step up to the figurative plate,
I look her straight in the eyes,
And ask it like it is, my lungs collapsing as breath escapes my throat.
"Hey,"
Her head turns. She smiles.
She's so pretty when she smiles.
"Could you open a case for me?"
Her keys danced about her chest with every swaying movement.
Of course she said yes, it doesn't take a don juan to buy a pair of earrings.
I grab an 18 gauge.
My ears aren't even pierced.
I waste no time in throwing a twenty at the register as she bags my prize.
"Have a nice day."
On the walk to the bus stop I was soaked by rain.
Oh the irony.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah.
I did what any man would do.
#2
Brilliant.
This is completely apt for how I feel today.
Kudos.
The repetition and non-aggressive irony are used to perfection.
I can't flaw this.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
For some reason, looking at the title, I thought this was going to be some epic metal song about demons and angels battling in pits of hell or something. I was pleasantly surprised.

Without exaggerating, I love this. I read over two times just to get the whole sha-bang. Pretty nifty, I must say. Very real and quite amusing to read. The last line is killer, couldn't close it better. One thing to point out, though, before this whole post is fangirl-ish gushing.
The camera focus swings like no snare and closed-hat beat could ever dream of.

For me this line was a little too long and wordy, and it messed with the flow a little. Might want to condense it a bit.

Awesome product for a newly tried writing approach. If I were you, I wouldn't completely swear off this style of writing. You pull it off very well.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
I agree with Nerk. I'd love to see you keep writing like this.
Or at least try another piece or two and see how they come off.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.