#1
Wrote this over 3 days, a verse a day. First two meant to be spoken, the third sung. Added the middle two, kind of on the spot.

Now lets tear apart this hollow perfection,
This transparent utopia,
This propagandal lie,
Built on the backs of the labeled man.

But why destroy our faultless heirarchy?
This social order, so meticulously enforced?
Because this isn't perfect, far from the fact,
It's a network built upon the words of the "leaders",
The steryotypes and labels that are thrown about.

This is a utopia where conformity is law,
And dissent is punishable by social death.
Materialism is king in this place,
And anything different about you is shoved in your face,
This hell is far from perfect.

So let's tear apart the structure,
Our oh so flawless "classes"
The steryotipical,
Monolithical
"Structure"
That rules our lives.

And maybe the valley girls won't own the world,
And the geeks will rain on their parade,
And the losers and misfits and dropouts
Will have a chance to reign in this facade.
Last edited by littledude65 at Jul 18, 2008,
#2
Quote by littledude65
Wrote this over 3 days, a verse a day. First two meant to be spoken, the third sung.

Now lets tear apart this hollow perfection,
This transparent utopia,
This propagandal lie,
Built on the backs of the labelled man.

Let's tear apart the structure,
I like how this line mirrors the first line of the piece, creating the parallelism between 'structure' and 'hollow perfection'
Our oh so flawless "classes"
The steryotipical,
Monolithical
I don't know if I like this rhyme here, it sounds cool, and both words are well chosen, but it is very different from the last section, and IMO doesn't seem to fit a speaking part well.
"Structure"
That rules our lives.

And maybe the valley girls won't own the world,
I like this line a lot. And the change in pace was well done.
And the geeks will rain on their parade,
And the losers and misfits and dropouts
Will have a chance to reign in this facade.
The only question I have, is why this will happen. I think this song really needs a stronger call to arms than just "lets tear apart this ____" to really fit the title "imperfect revolution". It isn't bad as is, but more force behind it wouldn't hurt.


//
#3
I like it - it reads nice - but at the end it seems that nothing about it is unique. It's like any thing about misfits rising over the "popular" people - and I've heard it all before. If you wrote something more specific, that spoke more to human emotions as a person who is a misfit and a looser, than it might mean more to me. Try to make me feel what you feel, and realize that we need to break down this structure. More than anything though I think you need to give it something unique, to make it your own.

It's not that it's bad writing - it's actually good. It has a nice rhythm, and it flows. What you're saying, though, is nothing new, and that's what needs more work.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=906421
#4
Now lets tear apart this hollow perfection,
This transparent utopia,
This propagandal lie,
Built on the backs of the labelled man.
some spelling issues here, I don't know if you meant "propaganda" or invented a word. also "labelled"

But why destroy our faultless heirarchy?
This social order, so meticulously enforced?
Because this isn't perfect, far from the fact,
It's a network built upon the words of the "leaders",
The steryotypes and labels that are thrown about.
spelling again, I thing it would flow better without "the" before leaders

This is a utopia where conformity is law,
And dissent can be punishable by social death.
Materialism is king in this place,
And anything different about you is shoved in your face,
This hell is far from perfect.
flow again, "can be" sounds unsure for such a forceful song

So let's tear apart the structure,
Our oh so flawless "classes"
The steryotipical,
Monolithical
"Structure"
That rules our lives.
I love this verse

And maybe the valley girls won't own the world,
And the geeks will rain on their parade,
And the losers and misfits and dropouts
Will have a chance to reign in this facade.
ahh, if only facade rhymed with parade. in my opinion the weakest point of the song's structure

The idealism that comes through so strongly is my favorite part, something unscathed by reality it seems almost.
#6
I think it sounds fine as propaganda, but maybe the L adds an extra sound that is musically necessary for it to sound like you envisioned it to?

lol I just realized I spelled "think" wrong when I was telling you to correct your spelling.
Last edited by Firebrand at Jul 18, 2008,
#7
The songs got a good flow (at least in my head it did), but I've just never been a fan of political poetry. In fact, I was told a long time ago that poetry and politics rarely go together, poetry and propaganda, never. I guess I'm just not big on the whole anarchy, destruction of structured society thing. But don't get me wrong, it is a good piece of work, just not my cup of tea.
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.