#1
This is a ska core punk type a song. I've got all the music down for it but I just need to add the vocals. So tell me what you think. P.S let me know if you want me to send it to you when finished. Peace...

Verse:
You control me like a puppet
Always pullin' on my strings
I can't make my own choices
Cuz' you always seem to know what's best for me
One of these days I'm gonna snap
So you better watch your back
Like a cornered animal I'm prone to attack
You better think again if you don't think that I'll fight back... (YOU THINK YOU
GOT)!!!!!!

Chorus:
Total control, over my soul
I can't do a thing, I'm just a puppet on a string

Verse:
When will you learn that respect is earned
And I will give my respect to those deserving
You think you can control me like it's your god given right... End

I need a couple more lines here you guys got any ideas. thanks
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#2
hey there, picking a random set of lyrics around midnight when i'm in a bad mood is becoming a bit of a theme in my life these days, not sure why. Anyway, if i seem overly negative, sorry.
This is a ska core punk type a song. didn't, and don't, really know what you mean by this, so i listened to 'stand my ground' on your profile, guessing it might be similarish. I think I get what you mean. I'm not really huge into using a nailgun to label a genre, but you can do as you please.

Verse:
You control me like a puppet
Always pullin' on my strings so...the idea of someone being a 'puppet master' and (maybe) abusing their power isn't even close to original, which is fine, BUT you didn't bother to make it your own. I mean, sure keep the same basic idea, but think of a different way to say it, or at the very least, an interesting way. Writing is about expressing your own thoughts, not vomiting something you've heard your entire life onto some unfortunate paper.
I can't make my own choices like what? Want more lines, then give _details_ and use some imagery. Try and keep the imagery consistant(ish) for a more...logical? or pleasing piece
Cuz' you always seem to know what's best for me again, explain or this line is just boring
One of these days I'm gonna snap seems pretty angsty?
So you better watch your back seems like a really empty threat, especially because later you're asking when the person will come around. You don't threaten someone in this manner and then say you hope they'll realize their 'wrongs' toward you and fix them, or at leaset if you do it's pretty random. Say what you mean - mean what you say. Are you going to snap or are you going to chill and fix things yourself?
Like a cornered animal I'm prone to attack this line has a different rhythm/power to it that all the others lack. It's more like...i don't want to say rap, but i can't think of the word i want right now. It's neat, but just waaay different. Also, aviod throwing in random, contrived rhymes
You better think again if you don't think that I'll fight back... (YOU THINK YOU using 'think' three times in one line was a bad idea lol. This line sounds pretty awkward too. Read it out loud to yourself, the entire thing too (if you aren't already), and you'll find spots that make you wince.
GOT)!!!!!!

Chorus:
Total control, over my soul
I can't do a thing, I'm just a puppet on a string beyond being a little gimmicky, it's a pretty good chorus for the song. I can see how easy it would be to work in some musical 'hooks' that would make the song, or at least this part, get stuck in my head lol

Verse:
When will you learn that respect is earned
And I will give my respect to those deserving
You think you can control me like it's your god given right... End I hope 'end' isn't actually in the song. Anyway, when did this become a sermon? The first line is alrightish flow-wise; the second line could be fine depending on how it's sang, and the last line is...i don't know, no comment beyond: in the way you probably mean it, that should be "God-given" lol.

In general, i feel like you have a basic idea of what you want to say, but just didn't say most of it. I think writing is about content first, making it flow and sound decent comes later, and my comments obviously reflect that. Also, i wrote this in notepad for some reason, thus no spell check, and i'm embarassingly bad at spelling for a (hack of a) writer. I hope my comments make you think about what you want to say in this piece, because i would say you're trying to convay some idea(s), not just write some random little song - which, while there is a time/place for those, i think they're pretty lame usually. Not that everything you/me/anyone writes has to be an epic attempt to capture some moment of genius, but yea, now i'm just ranting, sorry. If you put some more details into this then i'll definitely take another look for more detailed, technical stuff. Currently, i don't think it's worth doing much of that yet. If you don't want to, be my guest. I'm just saying what I would do. Good writing is rewriting ;P

love, in only the way someone with tea can be,

Iain

oh, i'd love to hear a recorded version of this; let me know if you put it up on your profile at some point.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
Technically, you're breaking the rules. READ RULES BEFORE POSTING.

Don't worry though, I did the same thing.


Anyway, It seems a little short? But hey, its a punk song. I like the chorus a lot it seems catchy as hell. The verses seem a bit cliche though. :/

Feel free to look at my song "Mommy and Daddy" if you want.
#4
Quote by Descendent-182
This is a ska core punk type a song. I've got all the music down for it but I just need to add the vocals. So tell me what you think. P.S let me know if you want me to send it to you when finished. Peace...

Verse:
You control me like a puppet
Always pullin' on my strings
I can't make my own choices
Cuz' you always seem to know what's best for me
I like this section, but the number of syllables here seems too much? You have the melody, so I don't really know.
One of these days I'm gonna snap
So you better watch your back
Like a cornered animal I'm prone to attack
You better think again if you don't think that I'll fight back... (YOU THINK YOU
GOT)!!!!!!
The phrasing here is a bit confusing. I figured out what you were saying, but I was tripping over my tongue while trying to read this. Try to make it more clear maybe.

Chorus:
Total control, over my soul
I can't do a thing, I'm just a puppet on a string


Verse:
When will you learn that respect is earned
And I will give my respect to those deserving
I'd change the word 'respect' in one of these two lines.
You think you can control me like it's your god given right... End

I need a couple more lines here you guys got any ideas. thanks


Not sure what youi could do to make the second verse longer, but definitely throw in a second, maybe even a third chorus, and a post-chorus/bridge. IMO, you could try to evolve the story about fighting their control over you.

Definitely let me know when you have this recorded.