#1
So I'm pretty good at getting things down but not very good at making it flow. So all criticism is welcome.


On the mind of a killer

I found my neighbor dead
He was on my back porch
With an arrow in his head
As i looked around my yard
I saw a man staring at me
I had to get away before i was next

He won't stop until I'm dead
I know he will come for me
He won't be happy until he has my head
I'm on the mind of a killer

I tripped over my dog
I was in a hurry to get away
My mind was covered with a fog
I was going to end up dead
The man was in front of me
I have no idea how me got there

He won't stop until I'm dead
I know he will come for me
He won't be happy until he has my head
I'm on the mind of a killer

I ran for the bathroom
Locked myself inside
I knew this was going to be my tomb
I threw water on my face
Then looked in the mirror
The man was right in front of me

He won't stop until I'm dead
I know he will come for me
He won't be happy until he has my head
I'm on the mind of a killer

The killer is looking back at me
I guess i didn't know the real me
Deep inside the killer must be
Waiting to get out
Waiting to destroy
I hate waiting

I won't stop until they're all dead
I will come for everyone
I won't be happy until i have every head
I have killing on the mind
#3
i like it, and it seems to flow pretty well already, except for the third line of the chorus.

"he won't be happy until he has my head"

maybe something like "he won't be happy without my head" would help with the flow. just a thought. good job overall though
Rock In Peace, Ronnie James Dio

my gear:
Charvel Model 4
Custom Superstrat w/ DiMarzios (under construction)
Peavey Vypyr
saving up for a better amp
#5
dude this would be decent. but i don't know what they're ^ talking about, because this has NO flow. it's all just individual sentences really. And they're too like blunt. Don't be so straightforward with it...that's my opinion. Could you crit Scar Shaped Smile? it's in my sig..