#1
hmmmm. I'm kinda on the edge about this one. :/ It's my first piece ever, and I'm not sure whether I really like it. *shrug* but I'm sharing it with you guys to hopefully get some advice since in my eyes it's pretty generic. Please don't comment much on flow or rhyme scheme or anything like that, because this was meant to be sort of a freeform lament.

My whims were never accidental
But the conseqences press my conscience.
Apprehension just never really suited my meticulous taste
And you are impossible to please.
This is the worst condition I've exposed
Since I've been carried astray
Without conscious approval
Or desire to be entrapped by my own faults.
You can't condemn me for these sins.
These impulses are no longer my own.
Feed my obsession, Lord, for
The addiction has enslaved me.
These crushing desires have rendered my soul doubtful
so you must be my savior.
An extended hand will save me
for I cannot redeem myself.
Guilt rises uncontrollably
and Lucifer is waiting.


ehhh. okay I suppose. :/
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#2
Lol, I almost forgot to return. I like your idea for my title, but I think, for what I'm hinting at, the title I have now is more suited.

My whims were never accidental
But the conseqences press my conscience.
Apprehension just never really suited my meticulous taste
And you are impossible to please.
Consequences has a U. I'm sure you just mistyped though. I think apprehension and meticulous in a line choke this up (especially considering that you don't use too much extended vocab after this line). While it works on its own brilliantly (it's actually a nice sounding title) it seems weird here. I like this though.

This is the worst condition I've exposed
Since I've been carried astray
Without conscious approval
Or desire to be entrapped by my own faults.
Eh... this is kinda generic like you felt. It's not bad by any means, it's just been said so many times before - same sort of language, same phrasing. You're a decent writer and I feel you're bound by your theme here.

You can't condemn me for these sins.
These impulses are no longer my own.
Feed my obsession, Lord, for
The addiction has enslaved me.
These crushing desires have rendered my soul doubtful
so you must be my savior.
An extended hand will save me
for I cannot redeem myself.
Guilt rises uncontrollably
and Lucifer is waiting.

Sudden religious turn, but okay. I'm not keen on this really - religious references never do much for me. I'm really frustrated because I feel you have a lot of potential but you are only discussing generic themes and I don't feel like you put much of yourself into this.
I'm keeping an eye out for you, I really hope you find something that inspires you to write to your potential.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Jul 14, 2008,
#3
to tell the truth, I feel the exact same way you do about all of this. When writing, I knew it was generic, but I kind of just brushed that off my shoulder. I'm so reluctant to actually write from my own soul and I'm still in the process of figuring out how to overcome that fact. It's tough. I also feel that mostly I use a large vocabulary to cover up the true suckiness of what I write. It's just all so hard for me and I have no idea why.


now I'm glad I got that all off my chest. and thank you very much.
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#4

you make me smile. It'll come to you in time. Read my piece in the 'first pieces' sticky thread. My first piece was WAY worse than yours. You just sort of pick stuff up as you go and once you find that first joyous moment where a line just fits, or a metaphor is truely your own, then you'll never look back.
If you ever need help, critiques, advice etc whatever, throw me a line.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
This one's kind of tough for me to crit. You have an interesting choice of words. "Meticulous taste" was one that particularly stood out. I'm not really one for big words in songs (is this going to be a song?), but maybe that's just me. I tend to use more simple words to express what I really mean or use metaphors.

That's all I have to comment on I guess.
Last edited by ttreat31 at Jul 14, 2008,
#6
there are alot of big words....simple words...or try small words with bigger meaning
#7
but I like big words....

anyways, I'm planning on taking on more of a personal style by my next piece so it will probably be very different from this one.
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...