#1
Hey everyone! I started writing this song a few weeks ago, and I can't seem to finish it..I would love some feedback on these lyrics, tell me what you think, thanks!


Its late one night and i go for drive
and i stare at the headlights glaring in my eyes
I turn up my music way to high
and just sit back and enjoy the ride

but i can't help but think about the people in those other cars
wonder if they are going far
wonder why they are out in the dark
maybe they just feel the way i do
maybe they feel like they've been used
maybe everything is just clearer from the drivers view

I pull up to a red light
and I think about my last fight
try not to let it stick to my mind
but my memory's working overtime

I'd like to forget about everything that I know
because sometimes my brain is on overload
I can't help but feel like I'm going to explode
the light turns from red to green so I just hit the road

but i can't help but think about the people in those other cars
wonder if they are going far
wonder why they are out in the dark
maybe they just feel the way i do
maybe they feel like they've been used
maybe everything is just clearer from the drivers view

you hope that you can make it through the night
but sometimes you need to go for a drive
#2
Quote by xmusicloverx

Its late one night and i go for drive *a
I understand leaving out words to help the flow
but not when it stops making sense

and i stare at the headlights glaring in my eyes *to
the repetition of 'and' is already annoying
I turn up my music way to high
again with the making sense, it's fine to restructure things to help them flow, but there's a limit
and just sit back and enjoy the ride
five lines, four ands
just think of another way to make this flow
it would be a million times better for it


but i can't help but think about the people in those other cars
don't need the 'but', especially not twice
the difference in syllable count is extraordinary here
so this could do we rephrasing

wonder if they are going far
wonder why they are out in the dark
maybe they just feel the way i do
it's okay to phrase this feeling like this
but there's got to be a more interesting grabbing way you can do it

maybe they feel like they've been used
I don't like the use of 'used' at all
makes it seem less serious

maybe everything is just clearer from the drivers view
loved this line

I pull up to a red light
and I think about my last fight
try not to let it stick to my mind
but my memory's working overtime
don't like the use of 'overtime'
this could be phrased so much more effectively
how about the recollection of the fight, how he's seeing it in his memory
and the picture breaking off when he tells himself to stop
something like that would just bring this to another level
it's too much telling, not enough showing
and showing is more effective


I'd like to forget about everything that I know
don't need the 'that'
or, honestly, the 'about'

because sometimes my brain is on overload
doesn't make much sense, or could be phrased better
definitely don't like the use of 'over..something' after it's use in the last verse
I'd scrap them both

I can't help but feel like I'm going to explode
definitely just here for the rhyme!
no need, no need!
you should show the reader/listener what's going on inside him

the light turns from red to green so I just hit the road
a 'then' before this line would be good

but i can't help but think about the people in those other cars
wonder if they are going far
wonder why they are out in the dark
maybe they just feel the way i do
maybe they feel like they've been used
maybe everything is just clearer from the drivers view

you hope that you can make it through the night
but sometimes you need to go for a drive
this, again, could do with being more show, less tell


this would be extortionately better if you got yourself in to the feeling of the character, pictured everything he was thinking and wrote about that, showww!¬
and the struggle he's having with himself
and then how great the calmness that the drive brings him is
maybe some personification of parts of the car, or the road
or something like that
so that it's more personalised.

This could honestly be a really great listen/read, but could do with some work
maybe the simpler lines you've used, like a continuation of the last two lines
could be used as a chorus
and you can expand on that idea in the verses more
just remember that imagery, metaphors and personification are your friends in things like this
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by DigUpHerBones
this would be extortionately better if you got yourself in to the feeling of the character, pictured everything he was thinking and wrote about that, showww!¬
and the struggle he's having with himself
and then how great the calmness that the drive brings him is
maybe some personification of parts of the car, or the road
or something like that
so that it's more personalised.

This could honestly be a really great listen/read, but could do with some work
maybe the simpler lines you've used, like a continuation of the last two lines
could be used as a chorus
and you can expand on that idea in the verses more
just remember that imagery, metaphors and personification are your friends in things like this


Thank you so much for all the advice, I will definitely take it in! Accept about what "he" is feeling, its actually "she" because I am writing this about myself..but I understand what you mean. Thanks for breaking it down, and explaining what you thought about each verse..it made sense when I went back and worked on it. I appreciate you taking the time to critique my lyrics! =)
#4
I love the idea, songs about driving haven't been cliched yet.

I like the flow of the words at some points, but it feels like it's image-deficient. (spell check that one heh)

If you take out some unnecessary lines and words, and make the lines to the point, they'd go well with music. It also helps if you describe what kind of music the lyrics go to, but if it's poetry thats kind of N/A.

Again, I like it. Keep up the good work.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup,
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns...
#5
Quote by Davus
I love the idea, songs about driving haven't been cliched yet.

I like the flow of the words at some points, but it feels like it's image-deficient. (spell check that one heh)

If you take out some unnecessary lines and words, and make the lines to the point, they'd go well with music. It also helps if you describe what kind of music the lyrics go to, but if it's poetry thats kind of N/A.

Again, I like it. Keep up the good work.


thanks...I was going for a topic that was different from the usual.

yeah, I'm going to work on the imagery for sure. this was just a rough draft that I did when I had thoughts racing through me.

I'm not sure what kind of music this one is going to go with. I've been working on it a lot, but nothing seems to fit, hopefully I will figure something out soon if i keep at it.

Thanks for the crit. =)