#1
With crushing coolness I cruise.

With crushing coolness

I cruise 'round the corner,
straight into-

Pause.

Too late.

-the ice.
I wail, the evergreens flail and
rush to meet me.
Greet and treat me to their limbs,
betwigst I am tangled.
One in the side,
one in the mouth.

Defeat is bitter.


So are pine needles.


I had to take a break from summer. c4c
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 13, 2008,
#2
You are in a peculiar mood, aren't you?


With crushing coolness I cruise.
I'm not sure you should keep the direct duplication here,
with the continuation that follows.
If you do, maybe break
With
out into its own line, the first time round?


With crushing coolness

I cruise 'round the corner,
straight into-
i think on to or onto would finish this line better.
into suggests collision, which will happen later.
but not with the ice.


Pause.

Too late.

-the ice.
I wail, the evergreens flail and
rush to meet me.
Greet and treat me to their limbs,
maybe break this line up into two?
the first would be
Greet me,
then continue without and.

betwigst I am tangled.
nice.
One in the side,
one in the mouth.

Defeat is bitter.


So are pine needles.
loved the ending, but it was a bit plain getting there.
not sure what to suggest that might help.
maybe slip in some onomatopoeia?
Meadows
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#3
I love the repition and alliteration in the begginning. The ending was well done as well, well written all around. Keep up the good work and thanks for checking out mine.
#4
i liked the idea you were shooting for with the repitition of the first couple of lines; it's just that the word choice kinda makes for a rough read(just doesn't flow too smoothly). i think it's the "c" words in particular.
i really enjoyed the middle stanza. normally i'd jump all over the opportunity to hate on a word like "betwigst"(kent drank his haterade today, biatchezzz ); but i think you found one of those wrinkles in the dimension of oral validity that allows that word to fit perfectly nestled in, not only the tip of the tongue as it rolls off, but the flow of the lines encompassing.
i liked this one Jake. i lol'd at the "defeat is bitter" line, and, at first i thought the ending line was a little too much. but after further examination i think it does just fine in its position.

btw, thank you for comment you dropped on mine man, i really appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
Quote by Billyjson
With crushing coolness I cruise.

With crushing coolness

I cruise 'round the corner,
Not sure if I like this game of words...
straight into-

Pause.
Oh, now it got interesting !
Too late.

-the ice.
I wail, the evergreens flail and
rush to meet me.
Great line(s) !
Greet and treat me to their limbs,
betwigst I am tangled.
One in the side,
one in the mouth.
An overall amazing stanza, I can't find anything bad in this.

Defeat is bitter.


So are pine needles.
Is it over already ? =/ But it ended pretty good, just in a sudden...




Overall, this piece was near-perfect. The problem for me was that, for some reason, I didn't like the first two lines... And another thing was that it tasted like air! But I wasn't expecting something so small, and at the same time, so precise... What you have here, my friend, is a contendant for a small masterpiece xD
#6
Thanks guys, I agree with you SYK/Kent; I want to keep the repetition but do something to make it more.... better

(yeah, I said more better)


EDIT: Thank you Seventh, it means a great deal to hear comments like that every now and then
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 15, 2008,
#7
With crushing coolness I cruise.

With crushing coolness
I actually like the repetition, when I was reading this I was more focused for the next line
I cruise 'round the corner,
straight into-

Pause.
I like it, if this was put to music this would be perfect for a total, drawn out pause
Too late.

-the ice.
I wail, the evergreens flail and
rush to meet me.
"Wail" was kinda a weird word, but since it combines with "flail" you can keep it in.
Greet and treat me to their limbs,
*Hint* Good place for personification. Limbs easily becomes arms, or whatever else you want. just a suggestion.
betwigst I am tangled.
Good vocab. +1
One in the side,
one in the mouth.

I like the change of pace from the pause to this verse, it all comes at you at once, a nice swift answer to the anticipation. And out again to these next lines.

Defeat is bitter.


So are pine needles

In general, for these lyrics I love the sudden rush of lyrics after the first few lines that for me kinda represented a car crash, and the symmetry to the opening lines with the end, it made the ham sandwich a Big Mac. Or something.


Outside of critique, If you ever put this to music, keep me posted.
Just remember, as a piece of music this would need to be timed very well, to get the desirable effect that I experienced.

Also, so brilliant was this work that I have a need to play Burnout, since me writing about crashing cars would be verrry unoriginal after reading this. Inspiratory? Indeed.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909102
Take your time, I can see you have lots of others to get to. Keep up the good work man.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup,
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns...