#1
crit for crit. leave a link please. an experiment of sorts. i've been toying with different styles. i'm really wary about how this is going to be received... but I'd like any advice possible. I doubt I'll write many more like this, if any, but I can apply it to other areas of my writing.

A Suicide Note in Past Tense

i watched the windowsill become a springboard,
and the ground below peel away to waves and thunder.
oh, how it roared, my amore.
the sound of a thousand empty smiles and knives that cut from
back to ear.
i dove, my love,
like a bird towards fish,
and then i was a bird among fish;
weightless and heavy, empty and full.
and you, sweet pseudonym, how you would have held your breath
when the lights flickered and burned out
and the sun swung down
and the sky fell flat like tapestry without walls.
‘always,’ cheap ink drowned before me,
‘we dream of these things like they’re not real,
yet we dream of heaven and towns under water like they are.’
i at least, have.
recycled television sale pitches flooded me,
then in a two-step program to solace each lung exploded
with an understated bang and i dropped with my dead weight
towards the ocean floor.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 25, 2008,
#2
Whoah very powerful. I liked your imagery in the song. I also like the analogies relating to suicide, it puts it in a totally different perspective. I would change the title though. It relates to the song but its just very blunt, you should just make it as awesome as the song is. Amazing. Keep it up! Crit4Crit, its in my sig it says 'something to read.'
#4
thats powerful, but you should really change the title
There once was a chicken named Cluck.
He once was told that he sucked.
He tried to say something
but couldn't say nothing
and came up with "Cluckity-Fuck."

Peace out.
#5
I really like your word choice and the imagery of this song. It gave me the chills just reading it. They style of the song is different than most, its not a bad thing, I like the style a lot. I also don't think the title needs to be changed, I think it portrays the song and gives it more meaning. Overall great job!
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
What's wrong with the title? It's intended to be blunt.
Any suggestions for a better one then?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
Quote by Snowblind 911
What's wrong with the title? It's intended to be blunt.
Any suggestions for a better one then?


I like the title as is.
Quote by Shredder XXX
how about the way your entire country generalizes a culture by the actions of a few, citing any Americans idea of a middle eastern person.
#8
really really powerful. could've taken a bit more of a look into the suicidal mind though IMO. the subject is just jumping, but I feel like I don't know why.

like a bird towards fish,
and then i was a bird among fish;

I don't like the repetition in those two lines. I think you should find a completely different way of saying the second line.
and you, sweet pseudonym, how you would have held your breath
I don't understand the use of the word pseudonym here, so I don't get this line. *shrug*
recycled television sale pitches flooded me,
seemed like a real downer for this powerful piece. too straightforward for the huge metaphor.

other than those nitpicky suggestions, I really loved this. Great writing

could you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=908411
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#9
Thanks.
I used that awkward repetition intentionally actually. There's a reason why it's like that. But I respect that you don't like it.
I used pseudonym for no reason other than I didn't want say the girls name.
And completely agree with you about the television line. I'll work on it.
The title is going to stick, so I'd prefer it if no one mentioned it again. No biggy if you do though.
Umm, what else?
I'll think about adding more about the suicidal mind thing, but the idea is that the guy is sort of impassive towards his death, and is at that point where it's not even really suicide for him, just an escape.

edit: actually maybe i'll change the title. i'll try come up with something.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Jul 13, 2008,
#10
I'm always a fan of "hidden meaning" titles if that makes any sense to you. Make it extremely personal, but don't tell anyone why it's personal.

or just make up something random leaving the reader to believe it has meaning
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#11
I reworked the title. Opinion?
-braces for mega burnage-
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
"He Was Found In a Wetsuit With Weighted Ankles" sounds better IMO but it's a pretty good title.
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#13
crit for crit. leave a link please. an experiment of sorts. i've been toying with different styles. i'm really wary about how this is going to be received... but I'd like any advice possible. I doubt I'll write many more like this, if any, but I can apply it to other areas of my writing.

edit: retitled. possibly. it's still apt, and means much the same, it's just not so blunt. opinions appreciated.

Michelangelo was found wearing a wetsuit, a snorkel, goggles, and boulders around his ankles.

i watched the windowsill become a springboard,
and the ground below peel away to waves and thunder.
I loved the imagery here, and how you can get the feel of the song right away.
oh, how it roared, my amore.
the sound of a thousand empty smiles and knives that cut from
back to ear.
I'm not sure I understand this part
i dove, my love,
like a bird towards fish,
and then i was a bird among fish;
I liked the repitition here
weightless and heavy, empty and full.
I also like the contrast that you made here, for me it felt like you could feel the person on the edge of death.
and you, sweet pseudonym, how you would have held your breath
when the lights flickered and burned out
and the sun swung down
and the sky fell flat like tapestry without walls.
Great imagery in the above lines, I could really see the scenario
‘always,’ cheap ink drowned before me,
‘we dream of these things like they’re not real,
yet we dream of heaven and towns under water like they are.’
The quote here is great, and seemed relevent.
i at least, have.
recycled television sale pitches flooded me,
I don't fully understand the above line
then in a two-step program to solace each lung exploded
with an understated bang and i dropped with my dead weight
towards the ocean floor.
Great ending. All I can really say.

Overall it was a good peice, although I was a little unclear in some parts. It's always good to experiment, and this one turned out very well
My peice is Imperfection Revelution. Right here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=907608
#14
WHY WHY WHY RUIN SUCH A SIMPLE YET EFFECTIVE TITLE!!!!! the new is hilarious/bad ass/ninja/turtle/artsy/cool..... but WHY!?!?!?
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#15
1 - i hated pseudonym.
if you don't want to use the name, use a pet-name, sweet darling.

2 - the ONLY thing wrong with the original title still remains to some degree with this one.
it tells too much ahead of time.
the original, A suicide note in past tense, was a glorious impossibility.
How can you write about your own successful suicide in past tense?
if you're gonna telegraph the ending, at least the original was clever.

imho, the title shouldn't let the reader know ahead of time there will be suicide
or even death of any sort.
it would be nice to just let the piece unfold and tell the story on its own.
maybe something like a two-step program to solace for the title.
this hints at the ending,
but really has no clear meaning until we get to that point.

anyway, nice, solid piece.
Meadows
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#16
Wwwwith SYK completely.

With the kind of decision the person is making, or the kind of action you're talking about doing, this is just too slow. It wavers a lot in the second half, it just needs to be stronger.. tigheter. Shorter, I guess. It loses all anticipation, all tension when you ramble in the middle.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!