#1
Could use some crit on this
-----------------------------

Running from mental pain
lost mind, a body slain.

World in chaos, world in fear
do you help? do you care?

We are left alone to reflect
fight with honor, die with respect

closed doors, dying youth
Open mind brings open truth

Take my hand, I'll make you see
Soldiers cry, like you and me

------------------ -----------------
Masters of the new rising terror
will,thrill,kill, you hate forever

Desperate, poor, young restless men
killing poor, when will it end?
------------------ -------------------

A childs face forever changed
a future mind is now deranged

Families cursed, never to heal!
Please justify, what we steal.

A world doomed to seduction
A trial ends in destruction

Soldiers play a twisted game
follow orders, a quest to fame?

------------------ -----------------
Slaves to leaders of hypocrisy
suits, ties, lies is what I see

Payed criminals, that's a fact
bored with lies, it's time to act!

------------------ -------------------

Lack of rage, lack of skill, are you a ****ing slave by will?
Feel the anger growing strong, **** the hate, break your fate!
War is a man made legacy, pain, death and **** to see!
Did you believe, that justice will be? We are humans you ****.
Please rise and act, move and react!

------------------ -------------------- -------------------- -----

Left to the end of days
Broken scripts and endless maze

In a sea of silence lost
Do I get out, what's my cost?

Taken life is on the line
Eyes weak of blackend time

Sorrow filled my soul to end
Sorrow filled my soul to end

------------------ -------------------- ----------

Slaves to leaders of hypocrisy
suits, ties, lies is what I see

Ignorance will be our generations fact,
bored with talk I need to act
#2
Quote by Megaman8411
Could use some crit on this
-----------------------------

Running from mental pain
lost mind, a body slain.

World in chaos, world in fear
do you help? do you care?

We are left alone to reflect
fight with honor, die with respect

closed doors, dying youth
Open mind brings open truth

Take my hand, I'll make you see
Soldiers cry, like you and me
So far so good. Some of the lines don't really go together all that well, but then again, this song seems more of a hard rock/ metal song. The third and forth lines don't really fit together, probably because "fear" and "care" don't fit the rhyme scheme you've got so far.
------------------ -----------------
Masters of the new rising terror
will,thrill,kill, you hate forever

Desperate, poor, young restless men
killing poor, when will it end?
Ok, right here seems kinda like a stumbling block. I don't really know what your gettin at. Seems kinda jumbled
------------------ -------------------

A childs face forever changed
a future mind is now deranged

Families cursed, never to heal!
Please justify, what we steal.

A world doomed to seduction
A trial ends in destruction

Soldiers play a twisted game
follow orders, a quest to fame?
I like this verse the best. It stays with the scheme you've got so far. Not much crit I can offer here except to maybe add a little something something to lines three and four of this verse
------------------ -----------------
Slaves to leaders of hypocrisy
suits, ties, lies is what I see

Payed criminals, that's a fact
bored with lies, it's time to act!
I guess this is the chorus? Very good, good word choice, no stumbling blocks
------------------ -------------------

Lack of rage, lack of skill, are you a ****ing slave by will?
Feel the anger growing strong, **** the hate, break your fate!
War is a man made legacy, pain, death and **** to see!
Did you believe, that justice will be? We are humans you ****.
Please rise and act, move and react!
I don't really know what to think of this line. It derails from the song in its rhythm, but I can see that you probably wanted to do that. So, if its like an agressive type breakdown/bridge, it suits it well
------------------ -------------------- -------------------- -----

Left to the end of days
Broken scripts and endless maze

In a sea of silence lost
Do I get out, what's my cost?

Taken life is on the line
Eyes weak of blackend time

Sorrow filled my soul to end
Sorrow filled my soul to end
Good line. Pretty easy to follow. Good last verse
------------------------------------------------

Slaves to leaders of hypocrisy
suits, ties, lies is what I see

Ignorance will be our generations fact,
bored with talk I need to act


Overall, I give it a 7/10. Could use some better word choice at times, and some of the lines are just lacking something. However, it was very poetic and an interesting read. Keep going

C4C? Mines Aim For War. Should be on the second page
#3
I'm not sure if it's the subject matter or what, but that song screamed power metal at me the entire time I was reading it.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#4
Thanks guys, I was hoping for more of a thrash metal feel, guess it's back to the drawing board.
#6
This is a BRILLIANT piece of work. The message conveyed here is one that needs to be. The wording in the song is just superb. I'd give this a 10/10 any day of the week.
#9
That's pretty nice. I see that it's a thrash ballad and it sounds like it's influenced by songs like Sanitarium and Trail of Tears, but that's a good thing, because those songs kick ass. Fit's well with the music too.

I say, write the lyrics like you feel or want to. If you listen to people who tell you to change some parts, then the lyrics will lack on personality, so leave it like that.

Also, keep up the good work
#11
For some reason, the lyrics brought to mind Power Metal, but I'm assuming you were going for more of a Pennywise feel? Anyways, it's pretty good. I especially like how the beginning sounds medieval feel, the the whole "suits and ties" thing makes it modern. It's really good. If you'll do crit4crit, pick one from my sig.