#1
(Crumpled) Notes in a Pocket

(Well) I'm running from the alibi that used to
carry through,
thinking about the things I said, all that
I've done to you.

(And) I'm won/der/ing if
these clouds can fa-de to blue.
(You see) late-ly I've been
stuck in a rut
with this ju/ve/nile att/it/ude.

(So) I'll wear the same clothes ev'ryday so you don't
know who I am, fighting half a mind
to push the world away and
put our minds at ease by being

just a empty threat, or a friendly
misconception that is
running through your head (and)
flying through my veins be-yond the speed of sound.

(You see) I'm won/der/ing if
these clouds will ever fa-de to blue.
Well I'm running from an alibi,
hoping for a second chance,
thinking about the things I said and the
mess I made for you.

(And) I'm won/der/ing if
these clouds can fa-de to blue.
(You see) late-ly I've been
stuck in a rut
with my ju/ve/nile att/it/ude.

(But) late-ly I've been any-
thing but a pass-ing glance in the halls,
running from something I can't run from anymore,
or just a (suicide) note in a pocket.
Last edited by akikobleu at Jul 14, 2008,
#2
Thanky you for your crit. I really appreciate it. Anyways, the "these clouds can fade to blue" line stuck out like a sore thumb. The imagery there just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. Also the first two lines of the third stanza dnon't make much sense to me. I mean, if you wear the same clothes everyday, how does that cover up your identity? Shouldn't it do the opposite? Also the last line of the fourth stanza i would change it to "and across the sound barrier". I don't know why, but I I think it sounds better.

This was my favorite part. I loved the meaning:

"And I'm running from an alibi,
hoping for a second chance.
(But) late-ly I've been any-
thing but a pass-ing glance in the hallway,

or just a (suicide) note in a pocket."

The flow was great in this piece. I think you really nailed that. Only advice I can give you is jsut keep writing. Oh and a thesaurus is your friend. (I'm not criticizing your vocabulary, I use a thesaurus on occassion. It helps me to find that perfect word.). Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading more from you.