#1
Grey to Break the Black

The dress swooned,
laden with the lavish
method of approach.

I couldn't clinch it
or clench onto the hand
that beckoned me to change.

He tore of his shirt,
strung out by the
way it held nothing.

And suddenly,
they were one.

I was two.

Effort is for the weak,
from this angle anyway.

And no matter how many times
I asked for her,
she still said, no.

So I guess, is it time to
change my color

She straddled strong,
praying her skirt
would lift for him.

But all I did was pray
that one more glimpse
would glance my way.

Cuddled in her care
he stepped into the sun
and felt an accord.

And instantly,
they were one.

I was seventeen.

And they remained
that way forever.

I am nineteen...

...I could go on
but life won't allow it.

This is something that I assembled the rough idea of last night after arriving home from a holiday and it reminded me of something that happened when I was younger about a girl - typically - I then rewrote it this morning after a nice lay in. I hope people like it and can be honest with their viewpoints and criticism. I will return in due course.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 14, 2008,
#2
The imagery here is unbelievably intense. And I'm sure the content is PG-13. But whatever, you're a very good writer, who knows how to create a picture and evoke emotion. There's nice flow and all that. Now, just tone your subject matter down so people won't squirm listening to it, unless there's a clear point to all the squirming of course.

This one is mine. Go easy on me because I'm a hypocrite/ can't write to save my life! Thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15268846#post15268846
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Grey to Break the Black

The dress swooned,
The personification here is really driving me to read more.
laden with the lavish
method of approach.

I couldn't clinch it
or clench onto the hand
Clinch/ clench is kind of cool, but a little tedious.
that beckoned me to change.
More personifying, I've always been a fan.

He tore of his shirt,
strung out by the
way it held nothing.

And suddenly,
they were one.

I was two.
I like the line breaks before and after this. Very powerful.

Effort is for the weak,
from this angle anyway.

And no matter how many times
I asked for her,
she still said, no.

So I guess, is it time to
change my color
This is cool, but I'm pretty sure I missed the meaning.

She straddled strong,
praying her skirt
would lift for him.
Raunchy? Ha ha I love it.

But all I did was pray
that one more glimpse
would glance my way.
Same as with the clinch/ clench. I liked this one more though.

Cuddled in her care
he stepped into the sun
Alliterations worked will here
and felt an accord.

And instantly,
they were one.

I was seventeen.

And they remained
that way forever.

I am nineteen...

...I could go on
but life won't allow it.
This ending was great. Everything from "they were one." to the end was great. The ellipses were a bit too much for me though.

This is something that I assembled the rough idea of last night after arriving home from a holiday and it reminded me of something that happened when I was younger about a girl - typically - I then rewrote it this morning after a nice lay in. I hope people like it and can be honest with their viewpoints and criticism. I will return in due course.


This piece was great. That's it.