#1
crit4crit

THREE'S A CROWD

All my sentences
Began with periods
Arranged in trinities
So I filled syringes
With your ellipses
Of immunity
And got delirious
On the same damned niche
That cured the ghost holy

On these pins and needles
I could hold you forever
In your attempted vains
Don't ever shut me away
'Cause no addiction's better

Each line after line
You speak in bloodshot stares
Colored miracle red
Oh I'd love to coin
The points you inject
Into spiritual flesh
But I fear the amen
That pierces in and out
Of your lyrical breath

On these pins and needles
I could hold you forever
In your attempted vains
Don't ever shut me away
'Cause no addiction's better

The Trinity you swallow
It locks your mouth
Forcing you into shouting
Three's a crowd, three's a crowd

Nothing holy to blaspheme
There's only you and me

Here is your commandment
Even God shall be guilty
'Til proven innocent

Don't you ever break my laws
Or I'll break your sanctity
And every dusk and dawn
Will come and go as they please

How high were the courts
Replacing Heaven's Gates
With revolving doors

Don't you ever break my laws
Or I'll break your sanctity
And every dusk and dawn
Will come and go as they please

Nothing holy to blaspheme
There's only you and me
Last edited by themarsvolta at Jul 14, 2008,
#2
'You speak in bloodshot stares' sparkled.
Hmm, this seems a bit dark and aggressive. At times, it is a little excessive in the latter but that could just be your style. The religious themes are really obvious; you might make them more subtle or just keep it this way. Your word choices border on amazing, though.
I would never think of what you so eloquently put together here. So, it's definetely unique!

Okay, if you feel like giving mine a go, I'd really appreciate it. It's my first, bear in mind and took an hour of sitting, waiting for a melody to come with words. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909477
#3
I actually see the grounds of a pretty good song here. I don't think everyone is picking up the allusion to drugs though. Pretty strange too, its pretty blatant.

I would definately rework the flow on portions of the song. It does seem like it jumps around a fair bit, drugs, religion, and govt? There are thousands of songs on each individual subject, and you knock alll three out in one? I dunno about that =)

But I definately see potential here. I really like how you tied the old Needles and pins portion. Good line thats been used rarely.
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Last edited by Ninja Turkey at Jul 15, 2008,
#4
thank you for the comment on my piece man, i really appreciate it.

is this a song?
it feels really stale.
especially in parts like:
"On these pins and needles
I could hold you forever" - the kind of "emo-ish" location description before verb. it doesn't sound like you at all. matter of fact, on first read i was like, "this has got to be an older piece...."
plus, be careful with your subject matter. religion-spawned poems can be the "beentheredonethatboughttheteeshirt." - know what i mean?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
You know I think you said it best kent, I think this is a song.
#7
This is pretty good ! I really liked the first and third stanza, flawless man ! For some reason I didn't like the line that goes "Don't you ever break my laws/Or I'll break your sanctity/And every dusk and dawn/Will come and go as they please" It sounded out of place... especially the last two lines of it. And being it the stanza I didn't like, and you repeated, it really bothered me. But the rest of the piece almost clears that up from my mind. I liked the use of uncommon words (i.e. ellipses, niche, etc.)

It was an enjoyable read, and a near-flawless one.

Good work