#1
i was thinking of committing to some self actualization.
maybe list the girls i've fucked?
rationalize some feelings.
i'm guessing we felt sick.
starring at hazy horizons
i could just blame that on the sky.
and the 'she' of today leaves every time
at the first light.
but, Scarlett O'Hara is dead
and her and i just smell of sarcasm.

two twenty twos.
supposedly, i'm a flirt.
i had two men try to convince me that anyway.
noticed fists are less convincing than tongues.
pretty sure i learned that one around seventeen.
bare and only aware of one set of hips
an endless ribbon tied
followed it from my wrist to her hem.
she, hiked and blushing.

found myself in a room full of mexicans.
highlighting the same four names.
some trade mark line about not giving a damn.
but, i do.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Jul 14, 2008,
#2
Umm, you used the 'f' word, haha. I guess there's some room for people to get offended by the language/ (sexual) objectification of females/ 'room full of mexicans' but whatever.

My point is, though you may not have planned it, I think this has some great potential to be absolutely brilliant. It's powerful and reveals something I can't quite put my finger on, though I'm probably being slightly dramatic here.

So feel free to mess around with this and maybe tone it down, while your at it; subtlety might bring this far or really amp things up until it screams itself off the page. Anyway, I hope this was constructive.

Haha, I'm such a hypocrite for not being able to write a song to save my life. Anyway, this would be my first (posted). It took like 40 minutes of solid thinking because I have to have a melody in my head first.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909477
#4
pixiesfanyo.
I can't believe you're still here.
It's good to read your stuff once again.

I really dig this one. It's like the entire time you keep recounting the past and talking about the girls you might still miss. There's definitely somewhat of a bitterness to this with the all the last lines just kind of ending in a bitter way about the things said. I approve, sir.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#6
That title is brilliant.

And I liked this a lot for reasons I can't put my finger on.
The second stanza was great, particularly the bit about the two men calling you a flirt which was funny in a depraved way.

I don't know what I'm saying.
It made my head feel blurry.
That's a compliment.
Poor advice.
#7
Quote by pixiesfanyo
nice to see you. are you even 18 yet?


Haha, I'm 19 now.
Going to college @ the University of North Texas.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#8
Rhett Butler is a kid from my school that shot himself two years ago...
I get very tense around apples...Well, I get very tense generally. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit.

Jeff


Peavey Studio Pro 112 for sale. Anyone want it?
#10
I love this.
I love everything about.
and i dont know why.
thats probably why i love it.

not helpful i know.
but sometimes i like to hear it, so i figured other people do too.
#11
Awesome piece....I had a good laugh at the last stanza
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#12
pixiesfanyo(name?), you're a very talented writer; and i'm pretty sure that the last stanza confirms my claim.

EDIT: sorry for the lack of constructive criticism, i very much appreciate your comment on my piece; i just can't offer anything useful for you here.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 16, 2008,
#13
yeah you really are a really good writer. that was amazing.
personally i dont really see how that turns into a song....maybe if i heard the music to it.
what kind of music is it if you have any?
Guitars:
Martin DSR acoustic
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Pedals:
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You can call me Matt