#1
Ok this is pretty much the first song i wrote, and i've been pretty much stuck with this for a week or so, and dont know wut to change or add, I wrote teh song, and at the end i just jolted down some ideas that may be useful later in the future for this song. The songs gonna be sang pretty much metal/hardcore, but i need 2 chorus parts in it, one before the breakdown and one after. any advice would be appreciated on anything to change or add


LOOK!

Look at how much you've taken for granted
Throwing your precious life away,
What is it that your waiting for
Closing inviting doors holding opportunity
Isolated yourself from your peers
Afraid of change, for the future may hold defeat, living an effortless life


[breakdown]{1:31}
We've fallen so many times
Yet life goes on
We've fallen so many times
Yet life goes on
We've succeed so few times
And life seems so much better


IS this the world we dwell in, to thrive for nothing more then the minimal
Theres more to life then just this
im not asking you to live above you mean
I just want you to realize you've taken so much for granted, its time for a change
The difference is day and night, open you eyes to see, life can be so much better for the'


Life holds many problems, but with problems theirs solutions

You'll see the brighter side of life, only then will my point be made

When afraid of failure, you wont precede.

Changing is part of life, we must accept this, hopeing for the best, hopeing for better days

Your flaws holding back your dreams
#4
Look at how much you've taken for granted
Throwing your precious life away,
What is it that your waiting for
Closing inviting doors holding opportunity
Isolated yourself from your peers
Afraid of change, for the future may hold defeat, living an effortless life


strong first verse. it gives a taste of the overall idea of the song. effectively, it does its job of presenting theme. however, structurally, i would add some consonance or assonance to make it more appealing to the listener. in other words, some slight rhyming. not too much, though or it will turn into another "im trying too hard to be introspective" kind of song. the last line, i would take it and write something else with the phrase "living an effortless life."


[breakdown]{1:31}
We've fallen so many times
Yet life goes on
We've fallen so many times
Yet life goes on
We've succeed so few times
And life seems so much better

this is extremely opportune, in my opinion. since its a breakdown im guessin it will be in the form of a low growl and/or higher-pitched scream. structure is awesome, and good non-cliche way of ending this part. i would leave this intact.

IS this the world we dwell in, to thrive for nothing more then the minimal
Theres more to life then just this
im not asking you to live above you mean
I just want you to realize you've taken so much for granted, its time for a change
The difference is day and night, open you eyes to see, life can be so much better for the'


i think this is the verse that needs a little work. you were very direct in the first verse. and now youre being direct again. i would play around with metaphors, analogies, comparisons, similies, etc at this point. make it more obscure, and dont worry it will fit in if its a metal song. make the listener think a little, wonder what the artist is really trying to say. just disguise it with some figure of speech and such. that is unless, you want to stay direct. the first line is good, but dive into matters more deeply.

as for structure, try to do follow the same as you did with the first verse. it will refresh the listeners mind about "the" common theme. again, throw in some, but not much, rhyming.



Life holds many problems, but with problems theirs solutions

You'll see the brighter side of life, only then will my point be made

When afraid of failure, you wont precede.

Changing is part of life, we must accept this, hopeing for the best, hopeing for better days

Your flaws holding back your dreams

the repetition in the third line is important. the two phrases that start with "hoping for" are an example of parallel structure. meaning you start two phrases with similar grammar. i would use parallel structure a couple of times in this section of the song. take your ides and words, then figure out how you can make some parallel structure out of them.

this last section is impressive. it "lashes out" at you. it hits you directly. i think that to end your song, this directness of the last section is crucial. it ties the song back together. good job on that.

overall: good song. decent structure. minor misspellings. deep message. strong opening.

general advice: throw in those "literary" details that will make you seem a better lyricist. keep structure in mind! dont digress from organization too much. its good to veer off sometimes, which you do. and you dont overdo it, either. so you have that skill.

if necessary, throw in some sort of chorus. although i do not think its highly needed in this case.
#5
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