#1
if you can give me some tips on this song.

it has music. its just a fingerpicked sorta thing going between a major and d most of the time.

two things im unsure about is the title, and the non-existant last line. i was thinking the words "than you" sorta fit. but something less cheezy would be great.

thanks heaps.

Intro:
Images from eyes awoken, reveal the room where I sleopt,
Objects holding greater meaning, remind me of before you left.
Morning sun shines through the blind onto a letter I meant to send,
My bedside table holds the phone where we’d talk for hours on end.

Verse 1:
I kept the cuboard door ajar cause I knew that were afraid,
Of the monsters, you’d crawl in close, and you knew you would be saved..
Now I would tell you, but your not here. To hear it was my plan.
That youd crawl in close, but maybe you knew before I began.

Chorus:
To see,
That you knew me better,
than I know myself.

Verse 2:
I kept the phone line open, in hope that you would call.
I did my best to risist the urge, but to temptation did I fall.
Dialled the number, heard your voice, from the phone which next you stood.
Paitently waiting for the call, because you always knew I would.

Chorus:
Cause you see,
That you know me better,
Than I know myself.

Verse 3:
We were meant to go out, head downtown, but I rather it you and me,
Just at home, all alone, so I told you that I had lost the key
You were fine, no complaints, in my plan you couldn’t see anything wrong,
You agreed, didn’t tell me that you had the spare key all along.

Chorus:
Now i see,
That you know me better,
Than I know myself.


Chours:
And to me,
Theres nothing better,
????????????????????
Last edited by HethaHORRIFIC at Jul 15, 2008,
#2
Don't force rhyming, like you did. In fact, don't use rhyming a lot, in should be reserved and not so in-your-face.

Rhyming aside, I find the lyrics to be refreshing from the "I love her so much OMG." It's an interesting scenario that you've described, and I actually like it. You keep it short and to the point. You should fix some of the grammar and punctuation issues, but other than that, this requires little editing. It may seem a tad cliche at times, but it's not the generic pop-punk song, to me.

If you feel like it, feel free to critique my piece. It's in my signature.
#3
Youthful energy seems to burst from the screen as I read this. Okay, I'm being dramatic but this is among the best I've read all day. In a way, it's so nice and cheery.
You clearly have a firm grasp on how to make the topic of your song clear without pointing directly to it, in a manner of speaking.

The fact that the instrumental part is done impresses me too. I have such a hard time with getting both lyrics and the instrumental parts down. Mostly, it's just one or the other for me. So yeah, you get props. Keep it up and I look forward to seeing more or your work.

Mine is below, if you feel like reading it. I would very much appreciate any feedback.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909791
#4
*reported*

please read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum.
pay particular attention to the section on thread titles.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
i read them after making this. and i changed the title. seee ^^^^^^^^

but it doesnt change it on the main thread page thing. =(
#6
Quote by akikobleu
Youthful energy seems to burst from the screen as I read this. Okay, I'm being dramatic but this is among the best I've read all day. In a way, it's so nice and cheery.
You clearly have a firm grasp on how to make the topic of your song clear without pointing directly to it, in a manner of speaking.

The fact that the instrumental part is done impresses me too. I have such a hard time with getting both lyrics and the instrumental parts down. Mostly, it's just one or the other for me. So yeah, you get props. Keep it up and I look forward to seeing more or your work.

Mine is below, if you feel like reading it. I would very much appreciate any feedback.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909791


thanks heaps.

the music part goes really well with this song. its sorta simple (compared to my other stuff) and sounds like "ben lee" or "playradioplay" (but on guitar)

ill be recording it soon. ill try to remember to pm you when i do to give it a listen.