#1
this is a song i wrote a while back...i dont have a chorus for it yet...pls crit...tell me what you think and what you think i can improve on...please and thanks


I always thought our love would last forever.

I guess im not good enough for you,

Not good enough for your friends or your family.


I lived in your shadow because i love you.

Now I think love is just a word,

Used to break hearts and rip your life apart.


I hate being hurt and left alone in the light.

Without you by my side,I wonder if you think of me.

I try to understand why things happen like this,

I just got to understand that this is gods plan,

For me to be turned into a man,

And..........


Try to forgive all the bad,

Keep all the evil around,

For hours,

Until it knocks me down,

Like the Twin Towers.


It feels like I am taking baby steps again to try and get what I think I deserve.

But I guess im not good enough for your heart,your feelings,your love,or you.

Like a stop sign on a corner I stand alone,

Getting vandalized by people I though cared for me.


And even though I told you that you were my heart,

You still ripped my heart apart.

I though love was supposed to make you feel good,

Love just makes my heart break apart and turn into blood,

Bad blood that runs through my veins and makes me feel pain,


Your not the same person I fell in love with even though you look like the same person i fell in love with,

So I stayed with you through everything even the bulls***.

I tried to clear my eyes of the tears but,

Even if I do that I still hear the pain through my ears.


I used to look up to you like somebody I could trust my heart and life with,

Now it feels like my heart has been thrown in to dirt and s***.

I thought you loved me,

If you truly loved me you would risk your friends and everybody just for me.


I lost a ton of friends just going back to you,

But I guess it was the right thing to do,

Reason why I did it......................................................


Because I f***ing love you
#2
I sensed a lot of emotion in this piece of work. It's extremely impressive that you can evoke all that on a page because a lot of writers (like me) have a problem doing that.

The flow might need some work but overall, the piece succeeded at getting your subject across. I look forward to reading your future work.

If you feel like critiquing me, I would very much appreciate your opinions.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=909791
#3
thx for the crit...i read your piece and though it was impressive also...ive tried to work on the flow of this song and i havent got anywhere as of right now but i will come up with stuff later to help the flow...again,thanks for the crit
#4
thx for critting my piece
and i have no clue how to put links in your sig..but there is probably a thread about it somewhere


I mainly agreed with what akikobleu said on this piece...it has a good foundation but the flow needs to be better and some of the ryhmes could do with work...for example the hour/tower rhyme...
but yea with some work it should be ok..
#5
thx for the crit....im going to go back and see wat i can do abuth the flow and some f the rhymes but i think it is the best piece i wrote...thx for the crit
#7
Great imagry. I liked how you used things that have happened in the past and everyday things to express how you feel, it really made the piece original. The word choice was pretty good and it seemed to flow easily. Not much of a rhyme scheme, but it doesn't really seem like you were going for one anyway.

All and all, it think its a solid 9/10.

Thnx for lookin at mine
#8
`yea...as i have said before this,in my opinion,is my best piece yet...i spent hours on this piece tring to make it decent and i think i have done that..thank all of you so much for the crits
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#9
Flow needs some work, and you can accomplish that by breaking some of your verses up a bit and maybe use a meter... and add some rhymes here and there. You don't need to add a chorus to this song just due to its structure


Not a bad piece, but there is a lot more potential to this song
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#10
yep-....idk how i can improve the flow....if anyone can help me with that i would be grateful!
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#11
Quote by williamdllr

I always thought our love would last forever.

I guess im not good enough for you,

Not good enough for your friends or your family.
Right off the bat, this is bluntly honest, and full of emotion. This is good.


I lived in your shadow because i love you.

Now I think love is just a word,

Used to break hearts and rip your life apart.
I'd try to keep the writing the same through this line. IMO I'd change the second half to "and rip lives apart'. I think it fits better with the first half of the line


I hate being hurt and left alone in the light.
Don't we all... I fell ya here, man.
Without you by my side,I wonder if you think of me.

I try to understand why things happen like this,

I just got to understand that this is gods plan,

For me to be turned into a man,

And..........


Try to forgive all the bad,

Keep all the evil around,

For hours,

Until it knocks me down,

Like the Twin Towers.
Not sure if I like the 9/11 reference. It is powerful, but... love and terrorism just don't go together for me.


It feels like I am taking baby steps again to try and get what I think I deserve.

But I guess im not good enough for your heart,your feelings,your love,or you.
I like the buildup, from heart, to feelings, to love, to the girl herself.
Like a stop sign on a corner I stand alone,

Getting vandalized by people I though cared for me.
This is a cool extended simile


And even though I told you that you were my heart,

You still ripped my heart apart.
She ripped herself apart? Maybe "You still ripped me apart". I donno, its fine as is maybe
I though love was supposed to make you feel good,

Love just makes my heart break apart and turn into blood,

Bad blood that runs through my veins and makes me feel pain,


Your not the same person I fell in love with even though you look like the same person i fell in love with,
This is WAY too wordy for me.
So I stayed with you through everything even the bulls***.

I tried to clear my eyes of the tears but,

Even if I do that I still hear the pain through my ears.
Cool change of senses.


I used to look up to you like somebody I could trust my heart and life with,

Now it feels like my heart has been thrown in to dirt and s***.

I thought you loved me,

If you truly loved me you would risk your friends and everybody just for me.


I lost a ton of friends just going back to you,

But I guess it was the right thing to do,

Reason why I did it......................................................


Because I f***ing love you


I looked at an earlier version of this. It has improved leaps and bounds. Congrats. Could you crit the newest of mine in my sig?
#12
I do think the flow needs to be a bit better.
I think you desperately need a stronger first verse.
It comes off extremely plain.
Either that or you need some sort of clever hook.
It's up to you though.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#13
i thought that the beggining verse was boring also...even though its a great verse i dont think it is meant to b a first verse...if anyone can help me with the flow and a good verse i would be very grateful....
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#15
I really liked this. Despite a few flow problems, the lyrics are very powerful and emotional. good job.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#16
i dont know how to "pm"...wat is that...
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#17
does pm mean personal message?
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#18
Yes, it does.

However, I'm going to have to close this thread due to your bumping it and double posting. Please read the rules, they are above the stickied thread in the announcement. You may re-post this one you have read them or you can let it die considering it already has almost 20 replies. Either way is up to you.