#1
It's my first post really and well I'd like to share some lyrics I wrote. If you're going to call it emo or pathetic don't bother commenting.

Well aren't we doomed in this beautiful day
The wind blows your hair
And I confess that I'm a mess once again.

But did you see her eyes
Did you notice the way i'm paralyzed
When her figure is near
My knees melt like wax

Well aren't we going nowhere
The sun shines on her face
And i confess to love her,but she walks away..

But did you see her walk away
I know I did,I wanted her to stay
When she faded in the distance
My eyes wouldn't look away

Well arn't I feeling alone
The house is empty and I don't know where to go
And I look through the window..
(to see nothing at all)

But do you think she will be back?
Did she really mean it this time
When she left me for the last time.
My friend don't say you're sorry

Well aren't I doomed in this beautiful day
"Well aren't we doomed in this beautiful day"
#2
I hate to dog on your first piece mate. But I just don't feel this one at all. I reallllly don't. No scheme to speak of. It just doesn't flow. Alot of it is cliche...
I dunno, I can tell you awfully proud of it, quoting yourself in your sig afterall....

But I'd definately take it back to the drawing board and rework it.

I can't find a specific area that needs help because I think the whole thing can use a revamp...

And I'm not trying to be an ass or anything, I just didn't connect with it. For someone else this may hit home, but I guess I'm not the guy. But hey, its a free bump.
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#3
I like it. Ninja Turkey is right about the cliche-thing, but that's got to mean that it works.

The cliche's makes it less personal though.
Quote by zadzior
Sir, Awesome stuff. You have my respect!
Quote by neon-black
aw i love your song! sell it n' it would deffo be a smash!
Quote by veggiederek
this is great. you've got the words!
Quote by kiaraiswicked
... Wauw... It really paints a picture and leaves the rest up to the imagination!
#4
Quote by TheKermal
I like it. Ninja Turkey is right about the cliche-thing, but that's got to mean that it works.

The cliche's makes it less personal though.


Cliche doesn't mean something works. It means it worked before it was considered derivative. The piece isn't too bad, although the flow is awkward, but it's still a bit cliche. Don't worry though, if you're new to writing, you're bound to include a lot of cliche, you'll improve as you go along. For a first piece, it's not bad. I'll give a better crit later.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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#5
Quote by break-me-in
Cliche doesn't mean something works. It means it worked before it was considered derivative..

Well forgive me. Good thing you clear'ed that up
Quote by zadzior
Sir, Awesome stuff. You have my respect!
Quote by neon-black
aw i love your song! sell it n' it would deffo be a smash!
Quote by veggiederek
this is great. you've got the words!
Quote by kiaraiswicked
... Wauw... It really paints a picture and leaves the rest up to the imagination!
#6
Thanks guys ^^
It's all accepted I know myself it aint great, and i suppose i can't avoid cliche after listenin to so many songs day after day so sorry!

But yeah, it's great to get feedback!
"Well aren't we doomed in this beautiful day"