#1
If it helps, probably a kinda alt rock feel


C4C


........................................................


Token Gestures; Obscene thrills
Witness Life, without the frills
Opened doors, and Shattered Glass
Modern Life can be so crass

Talk and talk for hourse yet...
...on things that bore me...
On how we're really free

Just don't ask me to care!
About, anything at all
Don't ask me to care!
Just sit and watch me climb the walls

'cause I'm waiting for your fall...from grace
Till every card I'm dealt's an ace
...then I won't see your smirking face...again

Drag from me, everything.
Good mannered sadism
-Well worded sting
That's numbed by chemicals and cash
Whilst we sit here, speaking trash.

Just don't ask me to care!
About you and all your friends
Don't ask me to care!
As they meet their nasty little ends

'cause through this haze I see...your fate
When adoration, turns to hate
...and everyone can see your hopeless trait

Just don't ask me to care!
As your world falls apart
Don't ask me to care!
I saw it all from the start.
#2
Quote by EvilWeevil
If it helps, probably a kinda alt rock feel


C4C


........................................................


Token Gestures; Obscene thrills
Witness Life, without the frills
Opened doors, and Shattered Glass
Modern Life can be so crass

I really like this opening line a lot. Very powerful and open. Rhyme scheme is easy to find and the word choice is good

Talk and talk for hourse yet...
...on things that bore me...
On how we're really free

This line falls away from the scheme you made in the first verse. I don't really know what to say. I don't know how the song goes, but this line almost seems thrown in

Just don't ask me to care!
About, anything at all
Don't ask me to care!
Just sit and watch me climb the walls

If this is the chorus, its a mighty fine one. No crit necessary here except that the last line seems like a stumbling block.

'cause I'm waiting for your fall...from grace
Till every card I'm dealt's an ace
...then I won't see your smirking face...again

I like this line. It stays with the scheme you've got for the most part. Good way to lead back into another verse

Drag from me, everything.
Good mannered sadism
-Well worded sting
That's numbed by chemicals and cash
Whilst we sit here, speaking trash.

Good line. No crit needed

Just don't ask me to care!
About you and all your friends
Don't ask me to care!
As they meet their nasty little ends

This chorus seems easier to read than the other. I'd alter the first one a bit to try and match this one a bit easier.

'cause through this haze I see...your fate
When adoration, turns to hate
...and everyone can see your hopeless trait

Best line right here

Just don't ask me to care!
As your world falls apart
Don't ask me to care!
I saw it all from the start.

Good way to end it, but it seems rather unprepared (maybe you were going for that?) Maybe you could add an extra couple of lines to the chorus to show that its ending, but thats just my opinion


My final rating: 7.5/10. I liked it. Good word choice, pretty nice flow. I can tell you probably write a bit. Keep up the good work

C4C? Mines Aim For War and/or Breathless
#3
Cheers 3rdAct, critted your Aim for war piece...

basically I didn;t outline what the song did where so i guess it could be a but confusing rhythm-wise, might edit it up if its a problem...?
#4
Quote by EvilWeevil

Token Gestures; Obscene thrills
Witness Life, without the frills
Opened doors, and Shattered Glass
Modern Life can be so crass
I liked the first and third lines, the phrases you chose were well placed. However, the second and forth lines seemed to be here only to rhyme with the other lines. Try to throw in some more substance here maybe.


Talk and talk for hourse yet...
...on things that bore me...
Nice contrast in these two lines here.
On how we're really free


Just don't ask me to care!
About, anything at all
Don't ask me to care!
Just sit and watch me climb the walls
Climb what walls exactly? Like the imagery, but I don't exactly get it.

'cause I'm waiting for your fall...from grace
Till every card I'm dealt's an ace
...then I won't see your smirking face...again
I also don't understand this stanza, it wasn't badly written, but it doesn't fully connect with any of the other parts. At first, I thought it was an introspection on life. Then, maybe about boredom, now hating a girl. Centralize the theme!

Drag from me, everything.
Good mannered sadism
I like this line a LOT.
-Well worded sting
That's numbed by chemicals and cash
Whilst we sit here, speaking trash.
Also very well written! This is my favorite section by far.

Just don't ask me to care!
About you and all your friends
Don't ask me to care!
As they meet their nasty little ends

'cause through this haze I see...your fate
When adoration, turns to hate
...and everyone can see your hopeless trait
Which trait is that? I want to know...

Just don't ask me to care!
As your world falls apart
Don't ask me to care!
I saw it all from the start.


You are a talented writer, but I would like to see a solid theme throughout the piece. This alone has working for three or four different songs in it.
#5
Basically:

1st verse is sarcasm concerning girl being so fake/shallow

2nd, carries that on

1-Chorus, climb the walls is an expression for bored/overstimulated fidgeting, so carries on theme of awkward condescending view of girl in question

1-bridge, tried to enforce from my perspective what I feel at this point when confronted by this 'thing'

3rd verse, more shallow and 2faced behaviour and the hypocrisy inherent in that sort of life

2nd chorus, pretty easy to follow

2nd bridge, 'trait' is "plastic" fakeness of previous parts


I appreciate that its not immediately coherent as some of the phrasing might be odd to you....
#6
a very good song...very good rhyming scheme and the flow is nice..very nice...but the second verse seems to drift away from your rhyming scheme a bit...i would change that if i were you
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