#1
"Yes, because what this marriage needs is one more argument."
"No, what this marriage needs is one less husband!"
/Credits
/Voiceover

a woman enters
naked except
ambigous material
sellotaped on
would know that woman anyday
if I was her mother
wouldn't know her otherwise
hell
even if I was her mother
I wouldn't be proud
of a gorram thing she'd done
"I'm miss drink-this-lager"
she's miss drunk-my-life
and pissing it away

a car enters and for a second
she's lying on it
hot like
animal like
in that split second she is almost
orgasmic
what you don't see is the next second
where the car continues to
career into her
she flips up
high then drops
onto the kerb
bloody and dead

/Voiceover
/Opening Sequence
/Previosly On...



Not really promising a crit back, so yeah.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 15, 2008,
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Not really promising a crit back, so yeah.

not looking for ones, so cool.


like it. mind if i piss on it just a bit?
ambigous didn't do much for me.
maybe some non-descript or something even more plain

sellotape
dunno if that's a typo or the way cellotape would be spelled spelt in the UK.

but i think you mean careen


even as strong as the ending was, i was more fond of this section:
would know that woman anyday
if I was her mother
wouldn't know her otherwise
hell
even if I was her mother
I wouldn't be proud
of a gorram thing she'd done
"I'm miss drink-this-lager"
she's miss drunk-my-life
and pissing it away


anyway, nice un.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by stellar_legs
This is fantastic.
That's all.


Did I get you with the Firefly quote?

Thanks.

You too. SICK.
#5
I'll try to get back to this when I have time...

What's this voiceover thing? Is this like a recurring theme or something?


EDIT: Decent. I had a hard time following, probably because of punctuation, but I'm not going to drill you for that. Not much to say, really...
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jul 17, 2008,
#6
I hated the /'s. thought they were below you. i think you can convey the same effect via more simplistic means (such as just using words). The rest was great, really enjoyed it. if I was on a committee I would never give this an award but it was certainly a solid piece.

#8
I agree with Dylan, I'm not a fan of the /. Other than that, really really good job Jamie, I love the tone you have in the piece, no complaints tbh. Great work.


I'll have some prose up soon, it's the first thing I've written since you told me to write prose.