#1
There's a myth of why it rains,
And that's when Angels cry.
But now I have to ask myself,
For what reason?, Why?

I believe they weep for us
And the state of the world we're on.
For changes that are made today,
And things that are far forgone.

And now, as trouble swells,
So do the Angels' eyes.
The rain starts picking up
To signal our demise.

But now the question is,
When will the rain fade away?
And whenever it finally does,
Will we be there to see the day?
Quote by National_Anthem
Quote by Weeping_Demon7

Worst-Atheists (because 90% of them are arrogant bastards)
Best- Music


90% of people are arrogant bastards, regardless of religion.
#3
There's a myth of why it rains,
And that's when Angels cry.
But now I have to ask myself,
For what reason?, Why?

I like the abcb pattern here, you just don't see that much. You're opening didn't seem like you were trying so hard, and that's great because a lot of people spend hours working on something that's so obviously intended to wow, rather than write spontaneously from the heart. I liked this stanza, don't change it.

I believe they weep for us
And the state of the world we're on.
For changes that are made today,
And things that are far forgone.

Right now, you've established a strong pattern.. which I feel often hinders a poem, because you're forced into perfect rhyming schemes. Try using words that sound sort of similar (Called a slant rhyme], but don't necessarily rhyme [ex: soul & all]. To fit the scheme you've put in, I actually think it needs a bit more "creative" touch... try using a similie or more metaphors, like you did wiht "rain" and "cry". Personification is always adored.

And now, as trouble swells,
So do the Angels' eyes.
The rain starts picking up
To signal our demise.

I enjoy the first two lines, really imaginative. Again the strict rhyme scheme really hinders the poems structure and feel... but you can't exactly mix it up, or it would make it worse. Try being a little more lucid, break a few rules now and then. The last two lines seem kinda bland, and the last line needs 2 or 3 more syllables.

But now the question is,
When will the rain fade away?
And whenever it finally does,
Will we be there to see the day?

Pretty good, not a perfect way to end the whole thing, but it's better than some carefully crafted masterpiece that turns out to be dribble. I think with a little more creativity, you could revise this into something a lot better. It may just be my preference for vivid imagery, but it just didn't make me think too much.. I look forward to reading more. I liked this all in all.

Would you mind critting mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15288544#post15288544
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#4
Quote by Raven*
There's a myth of why it rains,
And that's when Angels cry.
But now I have to ask myself,
For what reason?, Why?

I like the abcb pattern here, you just don't see that much. You're opening didn't seem like you were trying so hard, and that's great because a lot of people spend hours working on something that's so obviously intended to wow, rather than write spontaneously from the heart. I liked this stanza, don't change it.

I believe they weep for us
And the state of the world we're on.
For changes that are made today,
And things that are far forgone.

Right now, you've established a strong pattern.. which I feel often hinders a poem, because you're forced into perfect rhyming schemes. Try using words that sound sort of similar (Called a slant rhyme], but don't necessarily rhyme [ex: soul & all]. To fit the scheme you've put in, I actually think it needs a bit more "creative" touch... try using a similie or more metaphors, like you did wiht "rain" and "cry". Personification is always adored.

And now, as trouble swells,
So do the Angels' eyes.
The rain starts picking up
To signal our demise.

I enjoy the first two lines, really imaginative. Again the strict rhyme scheme really hinders the poems structure and feel... but you can't exactly mix it up, or it would make it worse. Try being a little more lucid, break a few rules now and then. The last two lines seem kinda bland, and the last line needs 2 or 3 more syllables.

But now the question is,
When will the rain fade away?
And whenever it finally does,
Will we be there to see the day?

Pretty good, not a perfect way to end the whole thing, but it's better than some carefully crafted masterpiece that turns out to be dribble. I think with a little more creativity, you could revise this into something a lot better. It may just be my preference for vivid imagery, but it just didn't make me think too much.. I look forward to reading more. I liked this all in all.

Would you mind critting mine? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15288544#post15288544


I would like to thank you for that. It's quite hard to get a thorough and truthful crit.
Quote by National_Anthem
Quote by Weeping_Demon7

Worst-Atheists (because 90% of them are arrogant bastards)
Best- Music


90% of people are arrogant bastards, regardless of religion.