#1
Gordon Noisewater sat on a bench at Statue Park eating half a
ham and cheese sandwich, drinking a Big Gulp. Grey had mixed into his face stubble at the age of 36, his hair greasy and dark brown, hanging over his eyes not because he was trying to hide his face - But just because he could never be bothered to cut it.
At his midlife, Gordon looked like he had seen the wisdom of the ages.
It's in the white mane of Robert Pollard, the heavy eyes of Michael Parks and now on the facial hair of Gordon Noisewater.
He clanked his boots together as he chewed, happy, just a tad bit content and with one hand down his pants on the outside of his underwear.
He watched children play every Saturday.
Climbing on the dinosaur statues, navigating wooden jungle gyms with a plastic pirate's wheel nailed into the boards, throwing woodchips at each other.
Gordon flashed secret smiles for these children.
Secret wishes.
Secret futures.
Gordon used to babysit a mutual friends kids every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. He loved their little faces just as much as he loved the idea that their mother was completely naked underneath all her clothes. One night after putting them to bed he locked himself up in their mother's bedroom with all of her pictures and lingerie. The smallest child, Gwen, had heard something gnawing at the boards underneath her bed. She went to find Gordon and walked in on him masturbating with a picture of her mother clenched in his rough, hairy hand. She had walked in right at his climax. Screaming, she ran back to her room. Gordon was relieved of his duties as babysitter and was slapped with a restraining order. He had to remain 20 miles away from the children and their mother. Twenty miles away relocated him outside of the town of Blue Rock.

Such adorable little babies, he thought. So small and little. He ate his sandwich in a focused, manic way as he stared at the children playing. Mayonnaise was all over his face. On the edge of the park, sitting on a Triceratops tail was a small girl by herself, kicking woodchips. Gordon finished his drink, wiped his hands off on his pants and walked over to the girl, who was crying.
"What's the matter, baby?"
The girl sniffled and wiped her eyes.
"My daddy was supposed to pick me up here but he's gone."
"Oh no, I'm sorry baby."
"Maybe he died..."
"Oh, don't think thoughts like that. They're bad for you. You want a hug?"
The girl nodded and Gordon picked her up in the air and hugged her.
He rubbed her back slowly and her hair got in his mouth.
He took deep breaths it and trembled at the knees.
He squeezed her hard, hair in his mouth and the scent of little girl filling his nostrils.
"Don't cry, okay? Tell you what...Why don't I take you home with me and we can call your daddy from there? We can watch TV until your daddy comes. Take a nap."
He put the little girl down and she sat back on the dinosaur tail.
Everything is naked underneath their clothes.
Before he had a chance to rub her hair a hand jerked his collar and slung him to the ground, scatter-braining his everyt thought.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing, pal?!"
Gordon tried to get up but the man drilled him in the face.
"I-I was just hugging her! I can hug anyone!"
The man punched him again.
"You don't hug little girls you don't know, you fucking pervert!! I'm gonna break your fucking neck!!!"
Gordon lay with his arms over his head as this great, burdensome sack of man cracked his ribs and turned his face into pulp. The little girl was in fits.
"Go wait in the car with mommy, sweetie!"
The little girl fled to a red Sedan as Gordon slipped farther and farther into subconsciousness.

Gordon slouched in the back of a police car, his face bandaged up and his eyes swollen, rocking in their sockets. The prior charge of the incident that occurred at his friends house last year was all that the police needed to take him in on child endangerment charges. All I wanted was a hug, he thought. I can't hug people in this day and age? To throw my arms around another human being and be safe? Gordon started to cry but tears couldn't escape from the black pouches that retained them. The accompanying officer sat with his pencil and pad in the passengers seat, drawing women.
"Cry all you want, pal. Doesn't change anything. What goes on in the heart of someone like you? How can you do it?"
Gordon had never touched a child.
Never put his mouth on a one.
If you could see in this heart, he thought, You'd head for the hills. Love comes to me on waves...
As the sirens signaled and the cruiser sped off, Gordon thought of what his father had told him about violence towards women. And about what his older brother told him about relationships. And about what his fiance had told him that morning before work:
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Jul 15, 2008,
#3
aright dude im going to be honest.

its a bunch of fluff. blunt fluff.
great idea and great message.
you just didnt need to go all charles dickens on it. ya know what i mean?
it was hard to read. because there was so much description that didnt even add anything to the piece. the description wasnt even exciting, it was the same old boring stuff that ive read a hundred times before. it just dragged on and on. and i knew the point of it about half way through the second stanza. it was pretty predictable. so i didnt even get a thrill by the time i got to the end.
I think you spent too much time thinking about this before you wrote it.

dont worry about a return crit because ive been waiting for a long time to say something constructive about anything youve written.

hope i helped a little and sry for being harsh

#4
i have to agree with bluesybilly...it was hard to read but a decent story in all....
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#5
you guys are reading this wrong.

There's four stories buried beneath this piece.


I'm dunk.
I love you all.
Even Jared.........
Poor advice.
#6
Quote by stellar_legs
you guys are reading this wrong.


Usually, if people are reading it wrong, the writer has written it wrong. Some things will connect more with some people allowing them to see more in them.

I quite liked it, could do with a look over to make sure what you wanted has come out.

There doesn't need to be 'bit' after 'tad'.
There should be a comma after 'home' and before 'Gordon' at the end.
Those were the only two things that slipped me up.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!