#1
This is another one I decided to do something different with (I think). Please, comment or critique, I will try my best to crit you back, just leave a link for me.

Rusty Skin


I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
and fingers like pistons.
groping denim.
E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
as mercury blood pounds
profanity.

I can taste the bile in my throat.
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

M-M-M-my skin dripping obscenities
while these aching echoes
bleed from my mouth.

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.


For reference:
Yes, the song is essentially about sex, if you didn't catch that.
'Fingers like pistons'- moving quickly, joltingly, etc.
'groping denim'- should make sense in context (ie: grabbing jeans)
'mercury blood'- Intended to be blood temperature rising, I suppose, but take it as you will.
'dripping obscenities'- sweat (unclean)
That SHOULD about do it. I think enough reads should clarify on its own, but if you don't have time, here ya go.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 16, 2008,
#2
Rusty Skin

I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
i like the opening.
And fingers like pistons
Groping denim.
whatever was supposed to happen here, didn't.
at least not for me.
pistons groping denim made little sense
dunno why the fingers are pistons or
why you would be groping denim.
also, capitalization at the beginning of every line
is counterproductive.
consider using it
only at the beginning of a sentence.

E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
As mercury blood pounds
i didn't really get the mercury thing
why?
is it a reference to a thermometer? temperature rising?
or because it's thick?
or the toxicity?
spending time trying to make sense out of this
hampered the flow for me.

Profanity.

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.
i like it.

M-M-M-my skin dripping these obscenities
While these aching echoes
these could easily be dropped from both lines.
but should be from at least one of them.

Bleed from my mouth.

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.
still liking it.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.
liking this even more.

it felt like the farther you went with this, the better it got.
more staccato. rhythmic.
looking back at the beginning,
you might start the piece at
T-T-T-Tongue tied
idk.



Quote by Skaliveson
This is another one I decided to do something different with (I think). Please, comment or critique, I will try my best to crit you back, just leave a link for me.
no return necessary. you visit a ton of other pieces.
*shakes Skaliveson's hand*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by Skaliveson

Rusty Skin

I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
and fingers like pistons.
groping denim.
E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
as mercury blood pounds
profanity.

I really like the effect with the stuttered letters, gives it a nice feel that would equate well with music. 'Mercury Blood' is a nice phrase except that I find the line itself slightly odd, oddly placed or whatever...

I can taste the bile in my throat.
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Good chorus here, and i really like the Dot.dot.dot. thing

M-M-M-my skin dripping obscenities
while these aching echoes
bleed from my mouth.

no probs here, good verse, no rhythm problems that wouldn't work with music and the right intonation (which I think is really hard to convey on these sites...:p

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Good outro, and would work well with gang vox.


Overall very good flow, and content that worded rather well the whole sex thing

8/10





Any chance you could crit this for moi? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=910283

cheers EW
#5
Quote by Skaliveson


I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
and fingers like pistons.
groping denim.
E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
as mercury blood pounds
profanity.
I liked everything in this first stanza except the line "gropping denim". Idk why, but it sounded misplaced, and almost like a dumped line in this. Try to contextualize it somehow. Everything else it pretty good and the stuttering was a nice ideia.

I can taste the bile in my throat.
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Liked the "Dot. Dot. Dot". Everything else was ok. Nothing special as the first stanza but, nonetheless, a good chorus.

M-M-M-my skin dripping obscenities
while these aching echoes
bleed from my mouth.
Don't know if the echoes are connected to the stutters but it was a connection I made and I found it quite smart. Your metaphors are really good throughout this piece man !

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Don't know if I liked this one or if it sounded tired...




Overall, one of the strongest pieces I read from you, if not the strongest among them all. Your metaphors were amazing and I think this first "awkward" piece will lead to something huge coming from you. I'm expectful !
#6
I hear this song in my head as I read it. It sounds like Bright Eyes, except better.
Speaking of talent, you are very, very talented!

I like the stuttering and thank you so much for the critique. Haha, we both used tongues that were tied.

'Preaching dissonance' was my favorite.
#8
Quote by Skaliveson
This is another one I decided to do something different with (I think). Please, comment or critique, I will try my best to crit you back, just leave a link for me.

Rusty Skin


I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
and fingers like pistons.
groping denim.
This is a metaphor I do honestly understand, but still just doesn't speak that well, compared to the way its so deep and meaningfull anyway.
E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
Excellent combination of the word "dissonance" here and "consonants".
as mercury blood pounds
profanity.
This metaphor and analogy was much better than the previous overly ambigous one.

I can taste the bile in my throat.
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Fantastic opening to this chorus/hook but I personally didn't grab onto the "Dot. Dot. Dot" I fail to see its relevance. Sorry if I'm being ignorant and foolish.

M-M-M-my skin dripping obscenities
while these aching echoes
bleed from my mouth.
Could be maybe reworded to fit better?

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.
This is very powerful and in your face. Really tells a whole story in itself, even without the in between sections.


For reference:
Yes, the song is essentially about sex, if you didn't catch that.
'Fingers like pistons'- moving quickly, joltingly, etc.
'groping denim'- should make sense in context (ie: grabbing jeans)
'mercury blood'- Intended to be blood temperature rising, I suppose, but take it as you will.
'dripping obscenities'- sweat (unclean)
That SHOULD about do it. I think enough reads should clarify on its own, but if you don't have time, here ya go.


The best I've read from you so far, although others could grow on me more!
#9
Wow, thanks a lot, AngryGoldfish. I will definitely work on some of what you said.

The 'Dot. Dot. Dot.' section is signifying of an ellipsis, which, as I'm sure you know, is used in writing to show a trailing off of speech, or a pause or something. Kinda shows the 'start of the act' if you will.
#10
Quote by Skaliveson
This is another one I decided to do something different with (I think). Please, comment or critique, I will try my best to crit you back, just leave a link for me.

Rusty Skin


I-I-I-I’ve got my tongue tied with consonants
and fingers like pistons.
groping denim.
E-E-E-Every phrase is preaching dissonance
as mercury blood pounds
profanity.

I like the way you started this, it kinda sucks you had to put a reference thing there, but otherwise I wouldn't have got the "Pistons" part

I can taste the bile in my throat.
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

I don't know what it is about the dot dot dot thing that I like but it's good

M-M-M-my skin dripping obscenities
while these aching echoes
bleed from my mouth.

Aching echoes being orgasms? Interesting though I don't quite know if I like this one

I can taste the bile in my throat
Smiling; defiling,
Dot. Dot. Dot.

Rust falling from skin
Rot. Rot. Rot.
Ready to begin
Not. Not. Not.
Climb under the sheets
Dot. Dot. Dot.

This is my favorite, I hate that I like the "rot" "not" "dot" thing but it's good


For reference:
Yes, the song is essentially about sex, if you didn't catch that.
'Fingers like pistons'- moving quickly, joltingly, etc.
'groping denim'- should make sense in context (ie: grabbing jeans)
'mercury blood'- Intended to be blood temperature rising, I suppose, but take it as you will.
'dripping obscenities'- sweat (unclean)
That SHOULD about do it. I think enough reads should clarify on its own, but if you don't have time, here ya go.


Overall good piece, one of my favorites of yours
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#11
Thx for critting my piece I'll try to do my best on urs, but i think i'll just write a short crit, seeing as most of the stuff i'd have pointed out has already been pointed out.
just maybe for the last verse u could use punctuation to help you out? or maybe put brackets around the Not. Not. Not.(also, i don't know if this was intentional, but the repetition of the dot, dot, dot etc, is like the repetition you have in the stuttereing. I think it worked well)
I like the vocabulary you used and the metaphors, as well as the structure of the piece, it seemed well thought out.
This piece was really good...and it wasnt cliche, which i loved.
I look forward to seeing more of your poems.