#1
Now I know my voice ain't pretty
I might scare you all away
But by the time I'm done with this song
I hope you'll learn to appreciate

Here I am, unmasked expression
Playin' with my guitar
I've got notes and things that sound much prettier
But I think i'm getting pretty far

Now I know my voice ain't sweet
In fact it just might cut
If your emotions feel the same way I do
I just might be in luck

(chorus)
Why do I do what I do?
What would it mean to you?
I guess I'll never know
I guess it's best to let it go

Now I know you'd prefer,
not to hear me sing
But if I should rule for what I write
Please crown me king

Well nothing rhymes with orange
But I wish something did
For if I found the word it'd be absurd
To hate how this verse don't fit
Run!
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Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
Last edited by GuitarSymphony at Jul 16, 2008,
#2
that was very clever and funny...i enjoyed this piece...
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#3
This is a keeper and thanks for the critique. My favorite was that 'nothing rhymes with orange.' I didn't like the 'sound much prettier' line but I think that's just me. I just felt it clashed with the awesome 'my voice ain't pretty' phrase.

I could completely imagine this being a song and you should totally put it into production because I want to hear it! Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
#4
Quote by GuitarSymphony
Now I know my voice ain't pretty
I might scare you all away
Maybe you could replace the opening "I" with "It"; It would help the beginning to flow more vividly.
But by the time I'm done with this song
I don't like the blunt term "done" you used here.
I hope you'll learn to appreciate
Learn to appreciate what? Nice line but it doens't lead to anything.

Here I am, unmasked expression
This changes the vibe a little bit too drastically for me; It just doesn't fit in my eyes.
Playin' with my guitar
I've got notes and things that sound much prettier
"Things" = Ugh.
But I think i'm getting pretty far
"Think", "Getting" = Ugh.

Now I know my voice ain't sweet
In fact it just might cut
This could be so much better. You have a nice idea but it needs to reworded.
If your emotions feel the same way I do
I just might be in luck

(chorus)
Why do I do what I do?
This is a nice question, emotional; but you didn't continue with it and reiterate it into something else; you could answer the question bluntly or with a perculier, ambigious metaphor. There's tons of options for you instead of breaking the flow with another seemingly aimless queery.
What would it mean to you?
I guess I'll never know
I guess it's best to let it go
This is OK.

Now I know you'd prefer,
not to hear me sing
But if I should rule for what I write
Please crown me king
Now, this is wear it becomes interesting. Some nice metaphors and word imagery.

Well nothing rhymes with orange
But I wish something did
For if I found the word it'd be absurd
To hate how this verse don't fit
Excellent ending, just needs to be worded more articulately, thats all.


Overall, I didn't enjoy this very much. It was certainly a decent piece of writing and suits a certain genre, but no genre or topic should be so vacant like this. It only begins when it ends. I'm sorry mate.

Digitally Clean