#1
This is still a work of progress, and it's fairly long Crits would help some if you'd like to take a shot at it...

Hope ya'll enjoy



Screams of children echoed down the hall. It was too dark for me to see much of anything. The house was burning hot and sweat began to drip from my face and my back was soaked. As I continued to walk, the screams grew louder, and the rattle of chains filled my ears. Sobs reverberated off the walls. A little girl. It sounded like my daughter, Rachel. I hurried to the room, bumping open the door and...

I woke up in a cold sweat. That dream felt so real. Feeling an urge to check on the kids and stumbled to Elijah's room and saw him sound asleep. Then felt my way down to Rachel's. Her door was open and she, too, was sleeping.

Finally, making it back to my room without tripping over anything or waking anyone, I plopped right onto my king-sized bed. My wife, Heather, made a sigh and tugged the covers some. It was 3:32 A.M. and a comfortable slumber took over.

The sun entered the room, penetrating my eyelids. It felt like it was focusing on my face just enough to piss me off. I opened and closed my eyes then rubbed them vigorously to shake off the sleep. Heather rolled a bit then completely submerged herself under the comforter. The alarm clock read a little past eight when finally deciding to get out of bed to get dressed and have breakfast.

I went outside to collect the morning newspaper, but everything dissipated as the door opened. There was no sun, no wind, no trees. I closed the door and looked out the living room window. The neighbor across the street was mowing his lawn, and my next door neighbor's dog chained to an evergreen by his home. Opening the door once more just to see the black abyss again, my heart sunk.

"I must be dreaming," saying aloud to myself and slapped my face hard, nothing. Sticking my head under the kitchen sink and turned on the faucet, the cold water only gave me a chill down my spine. This can't be real
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Jul 17, 2008,
#2
a over all good story...very colourful and descriptive...i very much enjoyed this
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

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#3
^^^thanx, but I'm lookin' for a little bit more descriptive feedback
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
The storyline and descriptions were very vivid

JUST One thing:
you use 'I' too much.
Instead of "I felt the darkness...", say "the darkness was..."

because when you you 'I' it detracts from the action. Instead to telling the readers what you are seeing just tell them what's there. It makes it more real.

And write more. It's good for you.


Here's mine, if you want to check it out it would be greatly appreciated
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911548
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Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 16, 2008,
#5
Thanx, for the advice...I made did some editing and got rid of a few I's
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#6
There were
It was


try to avoid starting your sentences that way.
there will be times when it's the only clean choice.
but other than those, do something else.

you limit any real power because this comes off as you telling us about a sequence of events, rather than us experiencing them unfolding.
Meadows
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#7
^^^appreciate it man, and most of those parts have been changed
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!