#1
Hey this is my first post....I've been writing songs for a while but still don't feel confident in my lyrical writing. Thought a little criticism could help. I suppose this would be a heaveir pop-punk song (if that makes sense). There is very little structure in the verses (done on purpose, relying on the singer and the melody to hook the listener) At the bottom of the post I wrote what i was trying to accomplish with the song.

Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better than i was
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out

How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
ever since she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out


its not about self pitty
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive


I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out


- the idea of this song has been beaten to death becuase many people can relate. I just wanted to make a song that feels more like a unique and individual view of the "same old sad song" I mainly wanted to make something that sounded real and not cliche..lets see if that happened haha
Last edited by mullichicken at Jul 22, 2008,
#2
This is very good, not even considering it's your first post. Have confidence.

I like the use of dialogue. Maybe clear up the flow and definetely keep this up!

'With any glass or any pen' stood out to me somehow.

Mine is below, if you would like to critique it. It's my third here and I can't believe how awesome yours is. Haha, I'm jealous now.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911488
#3
Quote by mullichicken
Hey this is my first post....I've been writing songs for a while but still don't feel confident in my lyrical writing. Thought a little criticism could help. I suppose this would be a heaveir pop-punk song (if that makes sense). There is very little structure in the verses (done on purpose, relying on the singer and the melody to hook the listener) At the bottom of the post I wrote what i was trying to accomplish with the song.

Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better that i was
IMO, this would be more powerful if you just said 'made me better than I was"
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
This is the hook, right here, you have a half-rhyme, and nice phrasing. I can already hear it.
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out

How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
Great, great, great. That is all.
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
Eh, I know what you tried, but it isn't working for me here.
ever since she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out


its not about self pity
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Here is another hook you already wrote.
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive


I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out


- the idea of this song has been beaten to death becuase many people can relate. I just wanted to make a song that feels more like a unique and individual view of the "same old sad song" I mainly wanted to make something that sounded real and not cliche..lets see if that happened haha


I'd say you passed with flying colors doing what you tried. This was extremely well done. A couple parts have little cliches floating around, but nothing glaring.
#5
Quote by mullichicken
Hey this is my first post....I've been writing songs for a while but still don't feel confident in my lyrical writing. Thought a little criticism could help. I suppose this would be a heaveir pop-punk song (if that makes sense). There is very little structure in the verses (done on purpose, relying on the singer and the melody to hook the listener) At the bottom of the post I wrote what i was trying to accomplish with the song.

Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better that i was
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,

Great start. I like how you mentioned about the structure because it really helped me read it with more flow. I'm a singer so I know what you mean by 'relying on the singer and melody'. Um... I really like the comparison of your sinking feeling to an ocean pulling you under. It's clever and works very well.

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out

Again I like the flow of this. Only advice I can really give here is to capitalize your 'I's haha. I really like this.


How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
ever since she said,

I like the use of 'glass half empty or glass half full' argument. It really shows the feeling of this part. The 2nd to last line kinda throws off the meaning of the song, I might just have to read it a few more times but I don't understand it. Again great flow I like it.

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out


its not about self pitty
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive


I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out


- the idea of this song has been beaten to death becuase many people can relate. I just wanted to make a song that feels more like a unique and individual view of the "same old sad song" I mainly wanted to make something that sounded real and not cliche..lets see if that happened haha



The rest of the song I didn't comment on I thought was pretty good and didn't really need direction. Overall I thought this was awesome and I really got a connection through it. Great job.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
Quote by mullichicken


Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better that i was
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,
I like that last 3 lines to go into the next part sounds well written
and the second line would be better as just Made Me Look better than i was


"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out
The Use of dialogue is very good, and the last line is very good

How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
ever since she said,
1st line, sounds strange, i dont like it
but the 2nd line is very well written and acctually gives the 1st line an understandable meaning


"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out


its not about self pitty
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive

Gotta rush, going out soon, i like this really well written, first 4 lines brilliant

I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out

I like the change on this part clever outro




Really good song for a first attempt at lyrics, Keep it up!
#7
it was nice, but what if you made the short lined "self pity" part a bridge?
#9
i can totally relate to only having one chance left.
it makes you feel like poop.
#10
Quote by mullichicken
Hey this is my first post....I've been writing songs for a while but still don't feel confident in my lyrical writing. Thought a little criticism could help. I suppose this would be a heaveir pop-punk song (if that makes sense). There is very little structure in the verses (done on purpose, relying on the singer and the melody to hook the listener) At the bottom of the post I wrote what i was trying to accomplish with the song.

Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better that i was(than)
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm(I was) nothing special but i guess she just found out

How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full(you can't because it is empty and the whole phrase doesnt make sense either)
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
ever since she said,

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out


its not about self pitty
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive


I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out


- the idea of this song has been beaten to death becuase many people can relate. I just wanted to make a song that feels more like a unique and individual view of the "same old sad song" I mainly wanted to make something that sounded real and not cliche..lets see if that happened haha



This felt cliche to me, and was generically done IMO, nothing in here says YOU wrote it seems kinda anonymous.
#11
Quote by nathan900
did you steal this from papa roach? plagiarism= not cool man.


what song? i dont even listen to them
#12
Quote by mullichicken
what song? i dont even listen to them



It's not a papa roach song, I think he may have been saying you write like papa roach, which in my world is an insult.
#13
Quote by Matt Chavie
It's not a papa roach song, I think he may have been saying you write like papa roach, which in my world is an insult.


yeah...i most certainly take that as an insult...not necssasry
#14
Great song, one of the best i've read on here in a while. This song held my attention the entire way through, and that was just from reading, when put to music, this will be phenominal.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#16
Its funny how I can't remember the pickup lines I used
or the cards and songs that made me look better than i was
But i can't forget that sinking feeling
like the ocean pulling me under
when she said,
im already interested here. thats good. the only thing i can say is that the "ocean pulling me under line", idk if its just me but i've heard it quite a few times, its still not too cliche but with something like this being your first post i think you can do better than that line (thats supposed to be a good thing)


"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i always knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out
i like it.

How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full
or that all of these blank pages mean something without the words
cause i cant escape this sinking feeling
with any glass or any pen
ever since she said,
okay this was great. you took an old cliche and put a nice spin on it to make it your own, well done!

"You've got one last chance to turn this all around"
"and I hope you have it in you but i can't deny my doubts"
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i knew i'm nothing special but i guess she just found out

i got nothin to complain about

its not about self pitty
or deserving what i get
its not about the songs or hooks
i haven't written yet
Its about seeing it all so clearly just a little bit too late
Its holding on as best you can and begging her to wait
Its looking back and knowing that you never really tried
and letting down the only one who made you feel alive

okay since this is your first post, im gunna knock you for grammar and spelling. PITY is spelled well, just like i spelled it. its good to catch these things early on.

I've got one last chance to turn this all around
and I hope I have it in me but i can't deny my doubts
With only one last chance to turn it all around
i know i'm nothing special but i hope she wont find out

the subtle change up in lyrics works nice here for the finish


Overall for a first post this was really great. you've got some talent man. keep writing what you feel, having confidence is a big key, dont be scared of your ideas. but a good writer knows also at the same time not to be overconfident. im looking forward to reading what you coem out with in the future.


oh and im nto expecting a crit back, most of my stuff is really old and i need to get updated lyrics up. so no need to crit back.


Cheers.
#17
I thought I critted this already, haha. I read it a couple days ago and I liked it then, as I do now. I'm not going to break it all down for you though, because there's nothing really for me to point out that the others haven't. Instead, I'll just compliment you on what you did well so you can do that in your other pieces.

You have some good lines in here that are pretty creative, like "How can you convince someone an empty bottle is still half full?" Stuff like that makes you seem like a competent writer and not just a young teenager trying to write a song about a girl.

I also really liked the flow in "its not about self pity / or deserving what i get / its not about the songs or hooks / i haven't written yet". It gives me a bit of a Bayside lyrical feel to it, which is definitely a good thing. The flow in the song as a whole is pretty good, but that part stood out to me when I was reading it and I was kind of 'woah'ed by it, and went back to read it again.

Overall, this is a pretty good piece. I look forward to reading more from you!
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
Last edited by DiveRightIn63 at Jul 25, 2008,