#1
commonality.

with one, radiant smile;
i can blend every fault of yesterday
into a bend of facial expression.

and with a swift, sharp tongue;
i can destroy man's soul,
compromise his beliefs,
and rule his generations under an
impending fear that i may one day
repeat myself.

i live in Rome, though;
where these things never happen.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by ottoavist
commonality.

with one radiant smile;
i can blend every fault of yesterday
into a bend of facial expression.
I like the use of blend/bend

and with a swift, sharp tongue;
Good contrast to the 'radiant smile'.
i can destroy man's soul,
This confused me at first, through no fault of your own. I thought you meant a specific, singluar man the first time I read it.
compromise his beliefs,
and rule his generations under an
impending fear that i may one day
repeat myself.
I like this line here, quite a bit.

i live in Rome, though;
where these things never happen.


I'll admit right now that this piece is a bit over my head. I still enjoyed reading it quite a bit though, and hey, its a free bump. If you feel this warrants a crit back, check out Rusty Skin, in my sig.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 17, 2008,
#4
This is your most thought provoking piece yet. I enjoyed and I don't think there's anything to offer here that would be much use to you.

PS: I found your singular use of "man" effective.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 18, 2008,
#5
i really appreciate the comments guys, thank you.

Quote by we have sound
fartknockers.
damn right.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I found the capitalisation only being on Rome odd, but not bad odd. That's just me.

This = damned good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
thanks Zach and Katherine for commenting, it means alot.

oh, and the capitalization of Rome.... it's just out of personal preference. i get OCD about capitalizing first person perspective; hence the reason "i" is almost never capitalized in my work. everything else is, that needs to be, though.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
I am the same, but I hate not capitalising anything that should be unless there's a reason other than 'I don't like it'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
^yes, i suffer with this daily.
i should probably go wash my hands 30 times now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
This is already on top, so I don't feel bad about double post. I'm gonna be picky here... but you already know I love it.


Quote by ottoavost
commonality.

with one, radiant smile;
i can blend every fault of yesterday
into a bend of facial expression.

and with a swift, sharp tongue;
i can destroy man's soul,
compromise his beliefs,
and rule his generations under an
impending fear that i may one day
repeat myself.

I want the "a" in front of man's so badly. I read it there, and then realize its not... which makes me a very sad panda. I can't really wrap my head around the thought in the end... I had to say "repeat what" a few times until it finally hit. "destroy" just feels to common... I think if you hit with something much more impactful and maybe obscure, i wouldn't have to think that because that would me the memorable part instead of the "reactions" being memorable.

i live in Rome, though;
where these things never happen.

This was the weak part for me. I got the illusion... I got the backhanded comment in it... It just felt like it needed more pop. The last line is just too casual for the sting it should deliver. It's like a mild-mannered middle classed guy from suburbia taking out a gang in a drive by shooting. The people still die, but its almost comical when you see who's to blame for it... so instead of focusing on the deed.. I'm like, "nice comb-over... CAP IN YO ASSSSSSS!"


Yeah, I still love it.
#12
Quote by ottoavist
commonality.

with one, radiant smile;
i can blend every fault of yesterday
into a bend of facial expression.

NOICE....

and with a swift, sharp tongue;
i can destroy man's soul,
compromise his beliefs,
and rule his generations under an
impending fear that i may one day
repeat myself.

This is also good, but I can't help myself but wonder if there should be an 'a' before "..man's..." unless it was emphasized to be all of mankind, but in the third line you use "his" relating to the "man's" on the second so therefore it cannot be mankind as a hole...but just to one man and his offspring...

i live in Rome, though;
where these things never happen.


Great use of Irony here




Overall, this was a pretty good piece....I enjoyed reading it, except for that one part that seemed to bug me some...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#13
^you're right, it was for "man" as a whole. i used "his" to give the noun personification relatable to the context i put it in.

thanks to both you and Zach for your time on this.
be sure to list links for the one's i need to return guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Quote by ottoavist
^you're right, it was for "man" as a whole. i used "his" to give the noun personification relatable to the context i put it in.

thanks to both you and Zach for your time on this.
be sure to list links for the one's i need to return guys.


Ok, I got ya.....

anyway, if you want to return the favor, then here's the piece I have currently up
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=910845
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#15
it'll be tomorrow, but i'll get to it no problem.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#16
with one, radiant smile;
i can blend every fault of yesterday
into a bend of facial expression.
not fond of bend on its own,
but because of the interplay with blend in the previous,
this was a good choice.


and with a swift, sharp tongue;
i can destroy man's soul,
compromise his beliefs,
and rule his generations under an
under or through. you vacillated on this decision a while, didn't you?
impending fear that i may one day
repeat myself.
love the way this hangs ominously.
forces the reader to say:
what the hell did he do in the first place?


i live in Rome, though;
i enjoyed that Rome was the only word capitalized.
it brings more attention to it
and the Catholic/Pope/God connection.

where these things never happen.
lol


nice.
or is that Nice.
no wait, wrong country.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.