#1
can you see the light?
the sun past the hills,
the eyes in the dark,
the rainbows in oil spills.

can you see the ocean?
at the end of the sand,
the vacant seat,
at the father's right hand.

when you become blind,
will you see at all?
will you find your way out?
or walk into a wall.

I know you can see me,
so why not stare,
do you see how i feel?
so then why don't you care?
#2
can you see the light?
the sun past the hills,
the eyes in the dark,
the rainbows in oil spills.

Pretty vivid, the last two lines. Opening with a question is a bit different, as far as I'm concerned it's a good thing. I really enjoy vivid imagery in poetry, so I wouldn't change this part, except perhaps lengthen the syllables.

can you see the ocean?
at the end of the sand,
the vacant seat,
at the father's right hand.

Lately I've been totally kicking the habit of strict structure, such as the ABCB you seem to have chosen. I suggest using slant rhyme, at least? That way it doesn't sound too limericky.

when you become blind,
will you see at all?
will you find your way out?
or walk into a wall.

Again, I'd kind of like to see more syllables.. seems awfully short for a full stanza, just in my opinion.

I know you can see me,
so why not stare,
do you see how i feel?
so then why don't you care?

Hmm, kinda left me hangin' there. Could use a bit more of a creative touch, as far as endings go. All in all, as long as these types of poems are short, they tend to not be so redundant (in terms of structure). It was enjoyable :]

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#3
Quote by islanderzfan49
can you see the light?
the sun past the hills,
the eyes in the dark,
the rainbows in oil spills.
Great image here, it adds a lot to the piece already.

can you see the ocean?
at the end of the sand,
the vacant seat,
at the father's right hand.

when you become blind,
will you see at all?
Cliched. Sometimes it can be made to work, but it really detracts from a lot of the interesting stuff you had been doing before.
will you find your way out?
or walk into a wall.
Depending on the execution, this could come across as even a bit comical, which I don't think you want...

I know you can see me,
so why not stare,
Hah. I like that.
do you see how i feel?
so then why don't you care?
You asked one question, then followed it up with another one. It doesn't really work here, especially since the second question relies entirely on the answer to the first.


I did like this piece, but there were a few parts, especially in the chorus, that I didn't find particularly enjoyable. It could be really nice if you fixed it up a bit.