#1
alright this is a song i have been working on called searching...its about searching for some peace from someone you just cant seem to get out of you head...tell me what you think of it and if you want me to read your work just leave me a link:

it may be warm out there
but its cold as hell in here
b/c all the fires that I had lit
were put out when you decided it was time to split

I drink till i cant see
but still the memories are playing in my head
I’ve tried to pause, stop and rewind
but still I cant get the thoughts of you out of my mind

And now its clear
that i need out of here
because it’s the only way
I will ever be free of you

i go for a walk now
I try so hard to clear you from my mind
and no matter what i do
still every thought reminds me of you

I’ll bring a new girl home
but when I close my eyes she has been replaced with you
and when i wake up in the morning
everything I thought I feeled has been stealed

I’ll take some train
to places unknown
and i wont even care where
as long as it takes me far away from here

Its time for me to leave
I hope that in this new place there will be air for me to breathe
And I take a deep breath
because I look at the horizion and I do not see you

And for once im free
All those rusted chains have gone and broke off me
And now I can fly
B/c Finally your tyranny will never reign over me

because this train
took me so far away from you
and at the end
is what ive been searching for
#2
Searchin'... Seek and Destroy!

I think if would find it's place within a ballad.
Think of Journey's Don't Stop Believing for an example.
Doowop dooby doo doowop doowah doolang
Blue days black nights doowah doolang!
#3
Pretty cool... I would say a (very) little bit of is a little rough, but I can't hear the music (lol) so it's hard for me to judge those parts... the "everything I thought I feeled has been stealed" lyric specifically
#4
Quote by zoso59
Pretty cool... I would say a (very) little bit of is a little rough, but I can't hear the music (lol) so it's hard for me to judge those parts... the "everything I thought I feeled has been stealed" lyric specifically


yea lol it definitly is hard to judge without the music b/c im sure alot of the lyrics dont look like they would fit rythmically but with the music they do and that lyric is also the one that im tinkering with alot...thanks for your help in pinpointing a rough edge
#5
they are some great lyrics but you have to work on some words like "feeled" (ive never hear of it)...it sounds like you are trying to force a rhyming scheme...like you are forcing words to rhyme..but a good piece overall
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#6
Quote by williamdllr
they are some great lyrics but you have to work on some words like "feeled" (ive never hear of it)...it sounds like you are trying to force a rhyming scheme...like you are forcing words to rhyme..but a good piece overall


yea that one particular lyric is one that is definitly getting fixed and yea i have been working on rooting out the bad lyrics. so my next time through i will for sure fix that thanks for the compliment and your critquing