#1
No Sweatshop Blues

Well I've been fifteen,
young and tongue-tied,
one too many times before.

We were only two kids
liv-ing in the States;
I'd never really gotten how things worked.

But my friend knew this kid,
who once knew a guy,
whose brother came here on a steam boat sometime (ago),

an' said, 'My drugstore shoes support a sweatshop man,
who scrapes a living off'a cheap work
and this country I've come to call home
is the reason a young news anchor lurks-
at street corners and old motels;
she's never known a guy to work with text-iles.

And it's funny, if you ask me,
that this trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear,
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.

This trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear an'
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.


So forget what you didn't
already know or
parents will fight and
people will stare b'cause
blues 's got no business being here.
They say its got no business here.'

Well it's funny to hear,
petr'fying to know;
I never gave (it) a second thought and forgot.

We were only two kids,
liv-ing in the States.
We were only two kids, only two kids
and said blues had no business here.
They say its got no business here.'
#2
Quote by akikobleu
No Sweatshop Blues

Well I've been fifteen,
young and tongue-tied,
one too many times before.
This is pretty clever here.

We were only two kids
liv-ing in the States;
I'd never really gotten how things worked.

But my friend knew this kid,
who once knew a guy,
whose brother came here on a steam boat sometime (ago),
Kind of funny, using the person-who-knows-a-person thing.

an' said, 'My drugstore shoes support a sweatshop man,
who scrapes a living off'a cheap work
and this country I've come to call home
is the reason a young news anchor lurks-
at street corners and old motels;
This is awesome.
she's never known a guy to work with text-iles.
What exactly do the hyphens mean?

And it's funny, if you ask me,
that this trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear,
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.
Wow, I really like all of this. You have a lot of talent.

This trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear an'
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.


So forget what you didn't
already know or
parents will fight and
people will stare b'cause
blues 's got no business being here.
They say its got no business here.'

Well it's funny to hear,
petr'fying to know;
I never gave (it) a second thought and forgot.

We were only two kids,
liv-ing in the States.
We were only two kids, only two kids
and said blues had no business here.
They say its got no business here.'
Like the ending a lot



Wow jeez. This was magnificent. I really like your writing style. Can you crit my newest one?
#3
Quote by akikobleu
No Sweatshop Blues

Well I've been fifteen,
young and tongue-tied,
one too many times before.
^at first, this didn't make sense to me, saying you've been fifteen one too many times before, then i thought you were making some statement about reincarnation, then i realized i was probably reading too much into it.

We were only two kids
liv-ing in the States;
I'd never really gotten how things worked.
^i like what this is saying, but i think the last line could be more assertive. and i don't get the hyphen in "living"

But my friend knew this kid,
who once knew a guy,
whose brother came here on a steam boat sometime (ago),
^i really this bit, have nothing to say.

an' said, 'My drugstore shoes support a sweatshop man,
who scrapes a living off'a cheap work
and this country I've come to call home
is the reason a young news anchor lurks-
at street corners and old motels;
she's never known a guy to work with text-iles.
^the last line doesn't do anything special for me, but i love the rest of this bit.

And it's funny, if you ask me,
that this trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear,
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.

This trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear an'
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.

^again, this starts off great, then ends on something that doesn't make too much sense, and that leaves things untied at the end, if that makes sense. like, it leaves the me wondering what it means, unsatisfied.

So forget what you didn't
already know or
parents will fight and
people will stare b'cause
blues 's got no business being here.
They say its got no business here.'
^this is what i'm saying. the last two lines here are perfect, the meaning is very clear and it gives a sense of resolution to the whole thing. i wouldn't change anything here.

Well it's funny to hear,
petr'fying to know;
I never gave (it) a second thought and forgot.
great, i like how it takes previous elements and then the last line adds a bit of twist. perfect.

We were only two kids,
liv-ing in the States.
We were only two kids, only two kids
and said blues had no business here.
They say its got no business here.'
great ending, it concludes things nicely and it kind of takes the pieces and puts them together like a puzzle, so the whole thing makes sense. love it.


Overall this was really good. There are the few lines in there that don't make sense and kind of interrupt the flow, but the rest of it is great. Perhaps I'm just missing something though.
#5
sounds real good man, it reminds me of bob seger's night moves, how hes recollects his young days, you know? mostly the first stanza though.


sounds awesome man, i can imagine this as a real good one.
Check out my music, if you please.
#6
Quote by akikobleu
No Sweatshop Blues

Well I've been fifteen,
young and tongue-tied,
one too many times before.
Hm. Interesting. I like it.

We were only two kids
liv-ing in the States;
I'd never really gotten how things worked.
The punctuation thing is kinda annoying. But other than that its good.

But my friend knew this kid,
who once knew a guy,
whose brother came here on a steam boat sometime (ago),
The flow here seems a bit forced, but some slight modifications to it should fix that up.

an' said, 'My drugstore shoes support a sweatshop man,
who scrapes a living off'a cheap work
and this country I've come to call home
is the reason a young news anchor lurks-
at street corners and old motels;
she's never known a guy to work with text-iles.
Very good. Original, too.

And it's funny, if you ask me,
that this trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear,
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.

This is really good.

This trafficking thing and dishwash-ing can be
funny to hear an'
petr'fying to know,
but I've been held by an oath, held by an oath.


So forget what you didn't
already know or
parents will fight and
people will stare b'cause
blues 's got no business being here.
They say its got no business here.'
This is I think my favorite line. The imagery is nice and I like the flow.

Well it's funny to hear,
petr'fying to know;
I never gave (it) a second thought and forgot.
Good original rhyme scheme.

We were only two kids,
liv-ing in the States.
We were only two kids, only two kids
and said blues had no business here.
They say its got no business here.'
Hm. Good ending.


Overall, I'm impressed. Very good and quite original. The punctuation for the accent is kind of annoying, but it doesn't really draw from the action. 9/10.
#7
This reminded me of the book "To Kill A Mockingbird" because of its references to the South and black oppresion. I think this is a pretty solid piece, and I really liked the "young and tongue tied" rhyme.

Seeing as I'm not well versed in blues much, I can't tell if its sounds good or not in a song though.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#8
very well done, I'm hardly ever hooked in by simplly reading lyrics but this on got me. Very creative and very original. I wish i wrote it. Nothing about it was cliche or boring, the whole thing was interesting. As far as rythm and hooks go this part:

But my friend knew this kid,
who once knew a guy,
whose brother came here on a steam boat sometime (ago)

works very well. It read perfectly the very first time i read the song. It was very interesting and hooked me for the rest of the song

I could also see this song applied to several different genres, personally i feel the natural rythm of words take well to an uptempo song and thats how i heard it in my head, but im curious as to what you were planning on doing with it. (Judgeing by the name one would assume its a bluesy piece but that might just be a missleading name) keep up the good work, you know what your doing
#9
Looks good, seems to all fit together, reminds me of some of the people in my town. Good job keep up the good work.