#1
this is my first piece please tel me what you think i made most of it on the spot

thanks


i sit in tears
enduring the pain of work
please let me go...
away from this pain

16 the day,
i deminish from your life
with a body full of pain
the years are coming to an end

the work i do,
hot and cold conditions
to only get 1 meal a day

please let me run free
i need memories,
to cherish
only one obstacle

i fear the day
when sucide is my last option,
please let me go

the sleepless nights,
not in a house,
but outside,
thought of murder hits me each night.

i wake up with a gash,
in my hand,
i fear that it will slow me down,
only to bring out the monster,
that i fear

im 49,
its been 33,
33 years of hapiness
until today the death of you

please if you can hear me,
i love you,
please feel the pain you made me endure.
#2
I just had a couple preguntas.

1. What is the 16 day? I'm assuming it is the 16 years before her. Before she came into the pic. 49-33

2. I think the song is about mourning a dead wife. The only thing is that you say you were happy until today, but earlier you mention sleepless nights.

3. Why did you deminish from her life when she is the one that died? I would think that she diminished from yours.

Im trying to help you or help me understand. thats all
#3
its ment out to be a teenager whos mom makes him work

i used 16 becasue thats one the teenager wants to leave from his moms life
#5
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

What is the main message or are you telling a story
Last edited by TollBoothWorker at Jul 17, 2008,
#6
i am telling a story

but the message could be that teenagers need memories and should be out having fun instead of work.
#7
+ LIKES

I like the first quatrain. Sets the mood

The gash in hand part shows the innocence and selflessness. Very good.

The suicide shows the seriousness and desperation.

The I love you at the end either shows, a f u c k e d up relationship, and the kid is kind of like one of those women on jerry springer who keeps going back to her abusive husband lol. Or his good character and forgiveness

- Improvements


I would say "my years are coming to a beginning." instead. The other way sounds like he is gonna die, but he has been thriving inside his head for those 16 years.

I would also not say obstacle. Try to make some metaphors or similes.

It seems like you jump to different times of his life a lot. I think the message would be a lot stronger if you stuck to one or two.

The line about murder takes away from the innocence of the boy. Makes him seem mentally unstable, and can cause a reader or listener to have less compassion for him. I would take it out.

The 16 year and current age of 49 and 33 years of happiness seems off subject. Unneeded detail


Here is just a couple possible provisions. I changed the order to make it flow. The events build up from the pity/mood lines, to bad work conditions, to innocent selflessness, to suicide, to murder, to the last days of incarceration.
I changed it to painful memories of work because he cant sit in tears while he is enduring work.
I changed the second quatrain to make it flow. I have a pet peeve for numbers and unneeded detail in songs. So I changed it to a piece of bread instead of 1 meal.
The next quatrain I just tightened up. Pretty much the same cuz it was good
On the next quatrain the obstacle part seemed kind of factual. So I changed it up and made it more figurative.
For the next 2 quatrains I thought it would be better to foreshadow the end of his suffering, and talk about how his work was almost buying his freedom
I changed the last one and it kind of sends off a conditional forgivness, but If thats not what your going for change it.

Here you go

I really hope I help you out!


i sit in tears
enduring the painful memories of work (or the painful emptiness of childhood)
please let me go...
away from this pain (this nothing) because I don't wanna say pain twice

the selfless work i do,
hot and cold conditions
Embracing her laziness
for a piece of bread

i wake up with a gash,
in my hand,
fearing it will slow me down,
only to bring out the monster,

please let me run free
i need memories,
Not callous
to fill my mind

Will the remainder of my life
Be worth the torture
Or Shall I leave her hand
with mine

Plans of murder
Keeps my eyes open
And mind thinking
Each night

I'm digging my years
From the ground
holding them Over my head
All has been accounted for

My life shall begin after
one more brick
one more Stall
one more field

The day you Die,
you'll feeling the pain
you made me endure.
i'll love you
Last edited by TollBoothWorker at Jul 17, 2008,