#1
First off, I'd like to extend a special thanks to 'tatorbits' for inspiring this by saying, "Blues is what [sic] you got nothing else."

'Last Stand Man'

I saw a man stand in a soup line; once
he made six figures a year,
selling bottled creativity
online to waiters and cashiers looking
to break into the industry and
have their shot at fame.

Then the dot-com boom came and went (and)
left him standing in the rain,
holding his infant daughter desperately before his
ex took her away,

screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues."


So he sold his life on eBay (and)
bought a guitar for a grand.
Shredding a last will and testament,
(he) headed out on his last stand,

screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues.


Well things may look down now an'
they may never turn around.
But this guitar's made for shredding; now
I'm goin' ta paint the town

red- screaming, "This is how I know
(that) I've got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything's been said and done,
at least I've got the blues."
Last edited by akikobleu at Jul 17, 2008,
#3
hey, cheers for the comments on my song "the grind" (check it out peeps), I like.
Nice idea their, very narrative style. I could see this being a cool song...what style is it gonna be? You talk about shredding...so is it metal? If so...following the time honoured tradition of metal make a concept album about this mans rise, fall, and rise again too metal greatness!
Mal: "Doctor, I'm taking your sister under my protection here. If anything happens to her, anything at all, I swear to you, I will get very choked up. Honestly, there could be tears." FIREFLY RULES!!!
#5
It's not a bad concept man, but the execution is lacking quite a bit. First of all, from an aesthetic point of view, this was lacking. The part where it says *screaming* was really a loss for me, because it kills the mood of the piece. It's like you're talking about the weather and all of a sudden someone says your feet smell. There's no relation and it stands out to the author and when it isn't intentional and done properly it really takes away from the piece. My advice would be to put a little note at the top of the piece saying that the chorus is done screaming. You don't need to highlight the chorus, or bold it, or put it in italics, most people are clever enough to tell a chorus from a verse.

My other concern for this piece was my problem with reading it out loud. The line-breaks made no sense in some places and really hindered the flow. Now, I know these are lyrics and you've probably got a rhythm in your head, but if I can't find a decent one you might want to look over your line breaking and see if what you're singing is the same as what's written. A big example of this is the "once;" in the first line. That word hanging onto the end of the line that doesn't create any tension or isn't there for a reason is a huge hindrance to the flow of the piece. Check your piece out and see if you can find any other conflictive spots like that.


I hope I helped you out a bit, thanks for your comment.
#6
That’s an interesting song. I'm assuming it has a blues rhythm. The course works really well.
#7
So he sold his life on eBay (and)
bought a guitar for a grand.
Shredding a last will and testament,
(he) headed out on his last stand,
This is my favorite verse. The third line is the standout in my opinion

I really like it overall. Would you mind taking a quick look at my piece?
#9
I like the story concept a lot and you sir have talent at the story line part of it, as has already been said the execution could use a few touch ups but it's good, I like the "shredding a last will and testament" line a lot as well...
My Music:
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#10
I liked this alot. The chorus is great and i like how it brings everything together so well. The first and second verses are good but i can't get a rhythm of how it would in my head. I'm sure you'll figure it out and make it sound great though. Overall, it's a good piece. I really enjoyed it.

Crit mine? Our Duty
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#11
very nice. i can't say i've read a piece on this site that could evoke emotion like this one.
the story flows, and that's lacking from alot of stuff around here (:
#12
Quote by akikobleu
First off, I'd like to extend a special thanks to 'tatorbits' for inspiring this by saying, "Blues is what [sic] you got nothing else."

'Last Stand Man'

I saw a man stand in a soup line; once
he made six figures a year,
selling bottled creativity
online to waiters and cashiers looking
to break into the industry and
have their shot at fame.

Then the dot-com boom came and went (and)
left him standing in the rain,
holding his infant daughter desperately before his
ex took her away,
(I'm confused by these, because he was making money via internet until the internet became big, therefore I question his ability to earn six figures. lol)

screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues."

(very bluesy)


So he sold his life on eBay (and)
bought a guitar for a grand.
Shredding a last will and testament,
(he) headed out on his last stand,
(I like the word play of shredding)


screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues.


Well things may look down now an'
they may never turn around.
But this guitar's made for shredding; now
I'm goin' ta paint the town
(Like the last line a lot)


red- screaming, "This is how I know
(that) I've got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything's been said and done,
at least I've got the blues."



This was all pretty good, there wasnt a lot of metaphors/symbolism so it is hard for me to fall in love with. But you tell the story well and with some slow blues behind this it'd be pretty epic. For what I think you were going for 9.5/10, for my personal tastes 8/10.


Something to Stumble Over crit mine
Last edited by Matt Chavie at Jul 19, 2008,
#13
Well, I'd be agreeing with the majority here. My favorite part of it is the lyrical switch in the last chorus (I enjoy those sorts of things). The beauty of the piece is how it can be taken very personally or as a story.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#14
Quote by akikobleu
First off, I'd like to extend a special thanks to 'tatorbits' for inspiring this by saying, "Blues is what [sic] you got nothing else."

'Last Stand Man'

I saw a man stand in a soup line; once
he made six figures a year,
selling bottled creativity
online to waiters and cashiers looking
to break into the industry and
have their shot at fame.
I'm not so keen on the odd line breaks seeing as it breaks the flow a little. You have some thoroughly lovely imagery here but its disturbed by the flow.

Then the dot-com boom came and went (and)
left him standing in the rain,
Ditracts from the feeling of failure; not the best.
holding his infant daughter desperately before his
ex took her away,
Powerful.

screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues."
Classic blues line. Its very hard to pull of a cliched blues passage but you have done it in my eyes.


So he sold his life on eBay (and)
bought a guitar for a grand.
Shredding a last will and testament,
"Testament" - perfect term.
(he) headed out on his last stand,

screaming, "That's how I know; well I've
got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything is said and done,
all you got is the blues.


Well things may look down now an'
they may never turn around.
But this guitar's made for shredding; now
I'm goin' ta paint the town

red- screaming, "This is how I know
(that) I've got nothing to lose;
when ev'rything's been said and done,
at least I've got the blues."
A joy to read.


Didn't need any major alterations - I think I read a few of your other pieces and I felt they needed changes, I'm not sure though.
A powerful blues song: No cheesy elements; no overused repeated chorus'; classical stylings with a personal edge; all the factors that one needs to bring blues back into the fore.

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