#1
I was jamming on an acoustic with a friend of mine several months ago, playing a riff that I was having problems writing lyrics to. I discussed my problem with him and he gave me a piece of advice.... "Think about the person your closest to in life, whether it's your girlfriend, a family member, or just a friend....and then think about how you'd feel if that person was snatched away from you in some type of accident...try that." First came the chorus, which is the second stanza....then the second verse...then the first just sort of fell in place. This is what came out

Fear guides me
And fate binds me tightly
Around these strings I am wound
Keeps me safe when you're around
But you're not here anymore
I watched Him close the Goddamn door
On our life together
Won't you stay with me forever

Now you're gone
And I feel so alone
But I know you're watching me
I know you hear me when I speak
To you; What am I supposed to do
Now that you're gone
I can't face this on my own

I can't do this anymore
Fall to my knees, I'll hit the floor
Lacerated is how I feel
I hate it, but I can't yet deal
Wrap this noose around my neck
Knot it tight and don't forget
These are my words
This is my life
My voice can't be heard
So I'll end it all tonight


There's a bridge written as well about how the person decides that he has too much to live for and that he hopes to see his loved one again someday, so for now this is goodbye....but I haven't quite worked out how to fit it in. I've kinda grown to like it with this sort of sorrowful finality anyway.....Thoughts?
R.I.P. Turner Blaine
#2
Quote by brokenanthem
I was jamming on an acoustic with a friend of mine several months ago, playing a riff that I was having problems writing lyrics to. I discussed my problem with him and he gave me a piece of advice.... "Think about the person your closest to in life, whether it's your girlfriend, a family member, or just a friend....and then think about how you'd feel if that person was snatched away from you in some type of accident...try that." First came the chorus, which is the second stanza....then the second verse...then the first just sort of fell in place. This is what came out

Fear guides me
And fate binds me tightly
Around these strings I am wound
Keeps me safe when you're around
But you're not here anymore
I watched Him close the Goddamn door
On our life together
Won't you stay with me forever

I absolutely love how this flows, its really really good. I like how you took a simple everyday subject and turned it into something with great emotion, I can feel the agony of the loss already. I like it a lot.

Now you're gone
And I feel so alone
But I know you're watching me
I know you hear me when I speak
To you; What am I supposed to do
Now that you're gone
I can't face this on my own

Again this flows great. I would love to hear this when it's put to music! This part is simple, simple word choice, simple rhymes but it pulls off so good, once again I really like this part.

I can't do this anymore
Fall to my knees, I'll hit the floor
Lacerated is how I feel
I hate it, but I can't yet deal
Wrap this noose around my neck
Knot it tight and don't forget
These are my words
This is my life
My voice can't be heard
So I'll end it all tonight

I like the idea of this verse. The flow gets thrown off a bit with 'Lacerated' but it still goes strong. The only thing I don't like is the last line. It completely throws off the flow. I would suggest looking to change that line. I like how it completes the songs message but I don't know it would sound put all together.

There's a bridge written as well about how the person decides that he has too much to live for and that he hopes to see his loved one again someday, so for now this is goodbye....but I haven't quite worked out how to fit it in. I've kinda grown to like it with this sort of sorrowful finality anyway.....Thoughts?


Overall great job! 8/10.... Again I would love to hear this put to music and see the bridge you are working on. Awesome job dude, props.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#3
i thought this was a great piece...i liked the title and the flow was great...the last line threw off the flow but i like the last line...maybe it shouldnt be the last line....i would also like to see the bridge put in here...a great song overall...good job
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#4
Thanks for the comments guys. I'll put the bridge up when I find my notebook....it's somewhere around here.
R.I.P. Turner Blaine