#1
Wrote this song for my band. Would like some feedback. I'll hit ya back. Enjoy.


No one really cares,
About the person inside
Only certain people,
Can swallow their pride
Life is just a game,
And it's how you roll the die
From beginning to the end,
It doesn't matter how much time

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'

People don't care,
About the person inside
Everyones caught up,
In a spider-web of lies
It's part of the game,
That we deal with 'till we die
From beginning to the end,
It doesn't matter how much time

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'

Some say that
Ignorance is bliss
And money buys happiness
Karma is a bitch
And it will come back to you again
If you are not afraid,
Then go right ahead and try
But be careful 'cuz this turn,
May be your last throw of the die

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#2
i thought it was awsome...great lyrics..i would like to hear some music put with it...i think this a great song overall....great rhyming scheme
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
#3
Great lyrics, great song idea. But I think you should add in a bridge somewhere so it's not just verse, chorus, verse, ect. the whole song through.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#4
Wow..gud stuff.. after a few tweaks, it'll be awesome..."Mistakes are made but you live and you learn," that line.. shouldn't it be like this "Mistakes are made but you live and learn," .. i think without "you" is better to sing...my favorite part of the song is the bridge...really nice..man..keep up the good work
#5
Hey...overall i liked the song. I thought the chorus was really really strong. It had an awesome natural rythm to it and it flowed really well. "And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'" pulls the whole chorus togther perfectly...i love it.

That being said...the strength of the chorus makes the verses seem a little weaker. They seem a little scattered...i can't always see a connection between all the lines in the verse. A few of the rhymes felt forced and there were a few cliche sounding lines thrown in the mix.

All in all it was a really cool song. Again, its only because of the strength of the chorus that the verses seem a little weak. Adding a bridge could help bring another dimension to the song and mix it up a bit. Keep it up man...i bet this sounds good put to music

I've only posted one song but if you want to crit it its here
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911164
thanks
#6
thanks for the input guys I'm definitely going to work with this song to make the verses stronger the part that starts off "some say that ignorance is bliss" is the bridge.....at least that's how I saw it while writing.....I might try adding another though to make it more clear if I can come up with something good. Thanks for the comments oh and your suggestion 'declaringsunday', I'm definitely going to use that, I was trying to make it sound better I just couldn't figure out what was wrong and that helps it a lot! Thanks again guys.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#7
Good stuff, man. I do think you should make the bridge a little stronger... like, more noticeable as a bridge, instead of being confused for another verse.

Love to hear this backed up by music.
#8
There is a Million Dead song called To Whom it May Concern.
Terrible rhymes, I didn't like them, it felt like you dedicated the song to how well you could rhyme. All your words were held back and suffocated by your choosen method of writing.

- "Karma is a bitch" - Awesome line.

Digitally Clean
#9
wow really? thats amazing that I called my song the same as some other band....that was pointless to bring up, frankly, who cares? second...if your going to hardcore smash it, at least give some examples
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#11
criticism is not "terrible rhymes, i didnt like it" examples are good if it's something your not fond of, that way I know what people aren't liking and what I should look into changing. Yes I know he gave me props for one line, and he gave an example which was also nice.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#12
Quote by AngryGoldfish
There is a Million Dead song called To Whom it May Concern.
Terrible rhymes, I didn't like them, it felt like you dedicated the song to how well you could rhyme. All your words were held back and suffocated by your choosen method of writing.

- "Karma is a bitch" - Awesome line.

Digitally Clean


The colored portion above is the meat of his comment. That's his suggestion. (read: don't write in rhyme. You could do so much better with a different style)
#13
it looks like you accidently wrote a hip hop song. haha

but i liked it, although the overall subject of the song is a bit generic
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#14
hip-hop? interesting lol I never looked at it that way until you mentioned it, I was going more alt rock/punk ish style. Thanks.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#15
The lyrics are great for basic alt-rock/punk...but in general it depends too much on the rhyme, and nothing really stands out to me other than the karma line.
#16
Thank you PurpleDinosaur, I very much appreciate your understanding.
I apologize to the TS, I was very tired that night and I simply forgot to mention that I would return and fully explain my thoughts. A simple mistake. I do not apologize for 'smashing' your piece, though, it needed it.
Saying that, you must try and understand that harsh, quick commets are sometimes what is best if you want to improve. I know that for myself because of the effect they had on my writing. Someone slapping you hard and then walking away is often very influential and imperative.
If you were offended by my comparison and comment, sorry?
#18
I dunno, I should have mentioned that all my lyrics usually have deep meaning but I got trashed by my band for having 'emo' lyrics so I tried to make it not emo. As for the ones I blew up at, I was just having a bad day. I know it needed that harsh of a crit and I'll definitely work on it. Thanks.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#19
IMO, it's a little cliche and generic. That doesn't mean it's bad necessarily, just didn't hold my attention the whole way through. My advice would be to revise some of the lines to be more original and sound like they could only be found in your song, if you know what I mean. Overall, it's a good song, written well enough, and everything flows pretty well. There aren't any particular lines that stick out as being horrendous or anything, so props for having a pretty polished piece.

Oh, and I'd agree with br&nizzle, when I read it, I honestly thought it was a hip-hop song.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#20
Quote by Fallen_Misery

No one really cares,
About the person inside
Only certain people,
Can swallow their pride
Life is just a game,
And it's how you roll the die
From beginning to the end,
It doesn't matter how much time
This is a good beginning. Sets up the song nicely, and the flow is pretty good. The only line i don't like is the 5th one. It's just a huge cliche and i really hate cliches. Other than that, it was a good beginning.

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'
Not bad, but not great. I don't like the second line very much, it really messes up the flow. In the third line, the word "you" before learn should be deleted. Once again, it messes up the flow of the first line, and taking it away won't change the meaning. Also, the first "and" in the last line should also be deleted. Just an extra syllable that isn't needed. Other than those few flow issues, it wasn't that bad.

People don't care,
About the person inside
Everyones caught up,
In a spider-web of lies
It's part of the game,
That we deal with 'till we die
From beginning to the end,
It doesn't matter how much time
I like how you started and ended this in the same way as the first verse. This was a decent stanza, but it was a little cliche and vague. There is nothing in this verse that i haven't heard before.

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'

Some say that
Ignorance is bliss
And money buys happiness
Karma is a bitch
And it will come back to you again
If you are not afraid,
Then go right ahead and try
But be careful 'cuz this turn,
May be your last throw of the die
This is the very reason why i hate rhyme schemes. You completely strayed away from it, and you added an extra line which completely messes up the flow of the song. Unless the guitar is playing the same riff every line, this is gonna be a huge problem. This entire verse is also a huge cliche and, once again, way too vague. There's no detail here, you're saying like three different things in one stanza. Not very good. I really didn't like this stanza at all.

So don't hold back and wait your turn,
You've only got one chance, don't let it burn
Mistakes are made but you live and you learn,
And this letter goes out to 'Whom it may concern'



Overall i'd give this song a D minus. It was very cliche, very vague, and the flow was iffy in some parts. I honestly saw no originality whatsoever in this song. It could use a lot of work. But it does have the potential, you just haven't gotten to it yet.
Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=961953 Thx.
Just work on this, and you could really make it a great song.