#1
Money can be spent,
but is better saved
for worse times.

Time can't be saved.
Spend it wisely
on those you love.

Love can't be saved
and becomes spent,
unless shared.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 18, 2008,
#2
It's pretty short, but in the context of what you're trying to do thats alright.

I'm not too sure about the last stanza though, it doesn't seem to flow for me like the others. And since it is the most important part of the piece that really annoys me. Maybe switch up the way it is worded? It could be that the first line is too similar to that of the second stanza.

Also the second and third lines of the second stanza are too short when compared to the other two, that might be what is making the last one not flow for me. If you did that intentionally it's not working for me.

Overall, I like the concept, but it still needs some work. Get out your thesaurus and make your vocabulary more interesting.

But then, thats just me
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
Last edited by cammo_1234 at Jul 17, 2008,
#3
I agree. The flow wasn't spectacular, considering all the above user said, and you're working triplets. There was never an established rhythm. As far as the concept, the spend/save thing is decent, but I don't think it can carry all the weight here.
#4
Well, I might come across as rough... but I think you can handle it, Mr. WotM.

This is one time where your form really let you down, IMO. You had a great idea... but fitting it into this short form just crushed it. It felt like you didn't explore what the idea had to offer. I can appreciate short and too the point-ness... but this just felt like it didn't even touch on the potential of such an idea. Maybe if this had established some form of snappy flow or had some sort of snap to it... but in the end, all I was left with was the "saved/spent" re-use that really demonstrated control of hte piece. I guess, in the end... it just felt to blunt to really have any impact. It was like someone narrating everyday actions. I get what is happening... but it still doesn't impact me. Technically, its all together... there are some nice techniques in there, and there is a great idea... its just missing some sort of spark or some sort of mystique to make me look at it and go, "nice." and then re-read it.

That said, its not a bad effort, and I didn't hate it. It just needs some sort of zip.
#5
Heh, the poem has a great topic....not much rhythm established, though

maybe on the last line of the first stanza
"for the worst of times" or something like that

And not for sure about the other two....

But you got the message across clearly.
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#6
Cam,
spot on about the S2.
i have several versions of this.
i wanted to see how if that one would fly.
vocab needs to be common here.
the nuances in the way these words
interact is the important feature.

Ninj,
rhythm isn't terribly important to this one.
but flow and continuity are.
i think you'll like the change.

Zach,
it is what it is.
a fortune cookie of sorts.
maybe you'll enjoy it more now,
with a better seque to love.
the hook is the simplicity of the words.

'Talon,
clarity is the main issue.
thanks.
Meadows
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#7
I don't know, this piece seems really mystical (an extrememeaning behind it) to me, but I fail to be pursuaded. But I did find it very interesting and enjoyable to read. I found the last tercet quite vague, I think you can find something more spontaneuous than the "love being shared content".

But overall I really enjoyed it and it felt almost Rudyard like.
#8
I don't like the 'on those you love' line. I think I'd prefer it if it wasn't there.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Eh, I'll just be balls out harsher than Zach and say that I found this to be the most boring thing I've seen you write and post.

It was just an explained idea. Nothing poetic to it, nothing exciting, nothing to bring it to life. I didn't find that the simplicity of the words were a hook. It was a bore to read.

Eh. I couldn't force myself to like this.
#10
the reason why people didnt like this is because it was built upon a basis of "to be" verbs (ie. is, was, are, become ect.). this strips it of anything but facts and you telling the audience directly what to do. **** it not being poetic, it was plenty poetic, whatever that means, but the reason why it didnt work was because you contained a simple instructive idea within a simple piece that contains no hope that it means something more than it being a poem.

it's a poem, and we want to believe it's something more.

my opinion at least.

#11
I was wondering if this was ever
going to come. I didn't find this boring, but in such
a short piece details are key. There's a few things
I noticed that are can be easy fixes.


First off, the title. It describes the whole thing in
two words, which makes the rest of the poem less
exciting already.

Money can be spent,
but is better saved
for worse times.
The word worse made me stop for a second.
You have a chance to add some pizazz here, I'd take it.


Time can't be saved.
I have mixed feelings about the emphasis here.
On one hand it has a nice effect and backs up your point,
but on the other hand it breaks away from the other
two stanzas and comes across oddly.

Spend it wisely
Though I'm not sure it'd be better without the period,
I think a so in front of spend would at least
do a little for the flow.

on those you love.

Love can't be saved
Here's where the shortness factor really comes
into play. I don't like the repetition of saved at all here,
I was hoping for something fresh.

and becomes spent,
unless shared.


I enjoyed the turnarounds and parallelisms, and liked the message of course. It's definitely nothing revolutionary, and I've seen much better from you, but it hit me a little harder because I've been dabbling in similar thoughts lately.

Glad to see a new one from you though after that long wait. We gotta coordinate on MSN sometime soon.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 18, 2008,
#12
Quote by #1 synth
the reason why people didnt like this is because it was built upon a basis of "to be" verbs (ie. is, was, are, become ect.). this strips it of anything but facts and you telling the audience directly what to do. **** it not being poetic, it was plenty poetic, whatever that means, but the reason why it didnt work was because you contained a simple instructive idea within a simple piece that contains no hope that it means something more than it being a poem.

it's a poem, and we want to believe it's something more.

my opinion at least.



Infitinitive. It is called the infinitive.

I believe.