#1
This burning in my chest keeps getting hotter
A painful reminder of a shameful regret
Put out everynight with flammable liquid
It smolders until morning and then reignites


This fire is all I need
Something warm to hold me
Something to destroy this mess
Something to start fresh
This fire is all I need


This burning consumes innocent victims
Choking on fumes and smoke blowing past my lips
The flames engulf and scar when they touch
And this burning in my chest keeps getting hotter.


This fire is all I need
Something warm to hold me
Something to destroy this mess
Something to start fresh
This fire is all I need
Gear:

Epiphone Ltd Edition Wildkat
Epiphone 1958 Korina Explorer
Marshall Valvestate VS100
#2
This would be a good poem by itself. I like the imagery here. The 'innocent victims' and 'choking' was really good. The flow was awesome. I wasn't too crazy about the 'something' repeated so many times. But overall, this was really good.

My song is below, if you want to read it; I would appreciate any input you have!!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15307353#post15307353
#4
any more comments?? This is actually a really personal peice and I am just looking for some input.
Gear:

Epiphone Ltd Edition Wildkat
Epiphone 1958 Korina Explorer
Marshall Valvestate VS100
#5
It's a good piece. The last two lines of the first stanza are kinda lame. You could probably find a more interesting way of saying it. It sounds too much like a report instead of poetry. The chorus is cool and reminds me of a 50s ballad. The second verse is really good until the last line. It seems like you could find a way to be more animated and convey more personality. The imagery is good though.

if you get a chance crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=912549
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated
#6
my only criticsm is this...

you say its a really personal piece, and i belive you, but that message is not conveyed through your words. I feel that your only describing what someone can see from the outside. you know? maybe you could add another verse or a bridge or something that brings the song to a more personal leval. What i'm trying to say is that by reading these lyrics i can tell that your troubled by something, and innocent people suffer the consequences. However we don't understand where this fire is coming from. We, as readers, in a sense are just like your "innocent victims" in that all we see is your behavior and dont understant where its coming from. therefor we can't sympathize with your situation at all. I hope this helps a little bit.

other than that i like the song....it reads very well, i got the sense that it was real and not jus something you threw together to make a cool song (which is HUGE in my book) so keep it up. again my only suggestion would be to let us (readers/listeners) into your struggle on a more personal level.

btw...are you familiar with the song "Maybe i'll catch fire" by the alkaline trio? they use the same line "something warm to hold me" however its in a totally different song. Anyway, i was just curious if you were refferenceing them at all cause that would a pretty sweet and subtle refference if you were. If not then its a coincidence and still a very good use of a solid line.

if you get the chance, i have one song posted here, feel free to crit!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911164