#1
this is a song i wrote a while back...i dont have a chorus for it yet...pls crit...tell me what you think and what you think i can improve on...please and thanks


I always thought our love would last forever.

I guess im not good enough for you,

Not good enough for your friends or your family.


I lived in your shadow because i love you.

Now I think love is just a word,

Used to break hearts and rip your life apart.


I hate being hurt and left alone in the light.

Without you by my side,I wonder if you think of me.

I try to understand why things happen like this,

I just got to understand that this is gods plan,

For me to be turned into a man,

And..........


Try to forgive all the bad,

Keep all the evil around,

For hours,

Until it knocks me down,

Like the Twin Towers.


It feels like I am taking baby steps again to try and get what I think I deserve.

But I guess im not good enough for your heart,your feelings,your love,or you.

Like a stop sign on a corner I stand alone,

Getting vandalized by people I though cared for me.


And even though I told you that you were my heart,

You still ripped my heart apart.

I though love was supposed to make you feel good,

Love just makes my heart break apart and turn into blood,

Bad blood that runs through my veins and makes me feel pain,


Your not the same person I fell in love with even though you look like her,

So I stayed with you through everything even the bulls***.

I tried to clear my eyes of the tears but,

Even if I do that I still hear the pain through my ears.


I used to look up to you like somebody I could trust my heart and life with,

Now it feels like my heart has been thrown in to dirt and s***.

I thought you loved me,

If you truly loved me you would risk your friends and everybody just for me.


I lost a ton of friends just going back to you,

But I guess it was the right thing to do,

Reason why I did it................................................ ......


Because I f***ing love you


pm me with suggestions on wat i should change and how i can make this piece any better please
Guitars:

1998 Squier Affinity Stratocaster

Amps:

Peavey Valve king 112

Money is just paper, but it affects people like poetry.
Last edited by williamdllr at Jul 17, 2008,
#2
ok so it feels to me that in the second half of the song you get really wordy and it feels like at that part of the song the character is now beligeriant drunk and just sort of rambling angrily. there is nothing wrong with it just seems like it would be hard to sing especially if you were to use the same chord progression throught the song. But you have a good base and a good subject for a song...i forsee a much better song if you fix it up. change the "even though u look like the person i fell in love with" to but you look like her

If you would like to critquie my song:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911353
#3
Decent over all, but I think there are a few cheesy parts (like the twin towers line, and the bit about the stop sign standing alone)
Of course it just comes off as cheesy when reading, it may work to whatever music you may have for it.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.