#1
Crit for crit of course. The video is here so you get an idea of what it sounds like (crappy lighting, but the recording is ok).

"Monopoly"

Verse:

So I rustled up a knapsack
Not the age yet of fifteen
To escape the land of plastic
With windows of listerine
Where they sell three dollar chapstick
And the right to coming clean
And they smile sorta half-assed
When they're not sure what you mean

And no one ever likes you 'till you're pretty and you're thin
Then you can drive a silent giant
And you'll buy the right to sin
You can marry in your twenties
Party at the fast food drive-in
And you'll wake up when you're forty, ask
"What kinda life have I lived?"


Chorus:

We all walk around in cuffs
And you know that all this stuff
Is not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough
If it's a penny for your thoughts and a mil for company
It's not for me, it's not for me, it's not for me
And you know that we are just Monopoly

Verse:


Zeros are the difference
In the prices we sell out
We've all got one, it's done,
The ink has spilled out of our mouths
And good men and women don't get involved in politics
'Cause no amount of honesty can be written on a check


And all good kids die young
So they are harder to forget

Chorus Repeat

So when you point the finger
Don't point up, don't point down
Fling yourself across town
And take a look around
And you know that all it takes
Is one word, one thought, one sound
To say "Hey man, this is wrong"
But the empire stands strong

But not for long
#2
Quote by rockergirl1122
Crit for crit of course. The video is here so you get an idea of what it sounds like (crappy lighting, but the recording is ok).

"Monopoly"

Verse:

So I rustled up a knapsack
Not the age yet of fifteen
The flow was rough here, maybe move the word 'yet' between "Not" and "the". IMO, that is
To escape the land of plastic
With windows of listerine
Where they sell three dollar chapstick
And the right to coming clean
So cool.
And they smile sorta half-assed
When they're not sure what you mean
I kind of just fell in love with this last couplet.

And no one ever likes you 'till you're pretty and you're thin
Drop the second "you're" maybe.
Then you can drive a silent giant
And you'll buy the right to sin
The title really pulls this all together.
You can marry in your twenties
Party at the fast food drive-in
And you'll wake up when you're forty, ask
"What kinda life have I lived?"
Usually I don't like questions in songs, but I'll make an exception.


Chorus:

We all walk around in cuffs
And you know that all this stuff
Is not enough, it's not enough, it's not enough
The repetition is okay, nothing really too powerful about it I think.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and a mil for company
It's not for me, it's not for me, it's not for me
This kind of gave me a cool idea for a song Ha ha
And you know that we are just Monopoly
This last line is a really strong hook. I like it

Verse:


Zeros are the difference
In the prices we sell out
We've all got one, it's done,
The ink has spilled out of our mouths
Nice imagery.
And good men and women don't get involved in politics
'Cause no amount of honesty can be written on a check


And all good kids die young
So they are harder to forget

Chorus Repeat

So when you point the finger
Don't point up, don't point down
Fling yourself across town
And take a look around
This is just a little boring, maybe a bit bland.
And you know that all it takes
Is one word, one thought, one sound
To say "Hey man, this is wrong"
But the empire stands strong
This last line here just sounds a little weak to me, compared to the rest of your writing in this piece. I don't know why.

But not for long



I really enjoyed reading this. It was very well refined. I heard the song as well, it sounds really cool. Let me know if you put up any more lyrics, I'd like to check them out.
#4
hi rockergirl. good to see you on this forum again.
i don't think your title is gonna fly.
(lyrics) is okay, but the rest in the parentheses would probably be considered attention-getting device.
i'll report this. if it gets closed, repost without the mention of a video in the title.
no problem with the link inside the thread, just the title.
if the thread stays open, but title gets changed, you'll know why.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.