#1
A.F.T.E

I chewed the wax cud with the ever changing teeth broken inside my mouth.
Its clotted matter felt hot and trickling with a slow sense of insecurity.
The diet doctor had foolishly disregarded my remarks of subtle pain and anguish;
He said it was a, “temporary sensation that would soon relapse into nothing.”
But no matter how hard I tried to harmonize the equalizer,
I still felt the loose strings tightening around my tongue.

The brittle sense of belonging in this world is an ever growing fashion,
A statement of true triumph, unmatched by the majority and by the figures.
My division doctor devised a simple plan to correct my thoughts,
He helped me understand that life is a temporary anomaly.
But its laughable how far away from the truth his simple mind was.
His insecurities were even greater than my own.

So armless man,
singing in the downpour;
Was that frog shower a stanza of
'weird things happening, just 'cause they do?'
Or was it 'a' (G)god allowing his animals to birth new chords of life?
Or maybe just a bit of both?

Arguing with the clock in the morning of my review seemed so pointless,
But I had this niggling feeling that I belonged in bed and nothing should stop that.
My mother's doctor mistook me for a man of confidence and abilities,
I guess he thought I was my mum.
But no matter how hard I forced the arms to turn around and pace that way
I only felt this crackling pain in my shoulders that told me someone is very very very angry

with me
with you
maybe?
maybe not?
maybe I don't know
maybe I don't care to know
Or shouldn't care to know?


Sitting on the stool in my morning drool was belittling but brilliant.
I finally felt like saying, this is the real me?
Even though the towel wrapped around my throat, clearly contained no stain of pain.
My fathers doctor... wait my Dad never had a doctor... oh well.
But what about the times when he fell head first into the barrier of youth
and forgot that he was an old man with nothing and everything to loose?

Like I say... oh well.

So legless man
with your showering charm
Was that a real downpour or did you just cry?
“Weird things continue to happen” spoke the news report.



This is very different from what I have written before so it sucks, please tell me and I will most likely disgard it as a fling and a pretense of attraction. Thank you very much for your time and help.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 17, 2008,
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
A.F.T.E

I chewed the wax cud with the ever changing teeth broken inside my mouth.
Already, this line has some of the coolest imagery I've seen out of these forums.
Its clotted matter felt hot and trickling with a slow sense of insecurity.
Combination of physical and insubstantial elements is well done here.
The diet doctor had foolishly disregarded my remarks of subtle pain and anguish;
He said it was a, “temporary sensation that would soon relapse into nothing.”
But no matter how hard I tried to harmonize the equalizer,
I still felt the loose strings tightening around my tongue.
I don't know how I feel about this metaphor thing here. It is a very cool and accurate but doesn't fit well with the rest of this section.

The brittle sense of belonging in this world is an ever growing fashion,
A statement of true triumph, unmatched by the majority and by the figures.
My division doctor devised a simple plan to correct my thoughts,
I like the use of different doctors, treating you different ways.
He helped me understand that life is a temporary anomaly.
But its laughable how far away from the truth his simple mind was.
His insecurities were even greater than my own.
This section was simply wonderful. It really was.

So armless man,
singing in the downpour;
Was that frog shower a stanza of
'weird things happening, just 'cause they do?'
These lines were so cool... I'm envious.
Or was it 'a' (G)god allowing his animals to birth new chords of life?
Or maybe just a bit of both?
A bit of an overused question, but it fits well here.

Arguing with the clock in the morning of my review seemed so pointless,
But I had this niggling feeling that I belonged in bed and nothing should stop that.
My mother's doctor mistook me for a man of confidence and abilities,
I guess he thought I was my mum.
Also a very good use of another doctor. This one might be my favorite of the three.
But no matter how hard I forced the arms to turn around and pace that way
I only felt this crackling pain in my shoulders that told me someone is very very very angry

with me
with you
maybe?
maybe not?
maybe I don't know
maybe I don't care to know
Or shouldn't care to know?
This was interesting. It got to be a bit much by the end, but I liked it nonetheless.


Sitting on the stool in my morning drool was belittling but brilliant.
I finally felt like saying, this is the real me?
Do you want a question mark here? It isn't really worded like a question.
Even though the towel wrapped around my throat, clearly contained no stain of pain.
Nice internal rhyme.
My fathers doctor... wait my Dad never had a doctor... oh well.
But what about the times when he fell head first into the barrier of youth
and forgot that he was an old man with nothing and everything to loose?
This is great, except the line 'nothing and everything to use'. I didn't think it worked well here at all.

Like I say... oh well.

So legless man
with your showering charm
Was that a real downpour or did you just cry?
“Weird things continue to happen” spoke the news report.
This section is also wonderful, I liked the question you asked. The end was weak for me though.



This is very different from what I have written before so it sucks, please tell me and I will most likely disgard it as a fling and a pretense of attraction. Thank you very much for your time and help.

Digitally Clean


*Applauds AngryGoldfish* Take a bow, you deserve it.
#3
I'm sure my critic will suck since I'm extremely tired, but here it goes...

Quote by AngryGoldfish
A.F.T.E

I chewed the wax cud with the ever changing teeth broken inside my mouth.
Its clotted matter felt hot and trickling with a slow sense of insecurity.
Good start with good imagery. This is too long and rich in vocabulary so along the way, I might misinterpretate something...
The diet doctor had foolishly disregarded my remarks of subtle pain and anguish;
He said it was a, “temporary sensation that would soon relapse into nothing.”
But no matter how hard I tried to harmonize the equalizer,
I still felt the loose strings tightening around my tongue.
The doctor part was nice but the last two lines were confusing (I bet when I re-read this tomorrow I'll say "ooooh that's what he was talking about!")

The brittle sense of belonging in this world is an ever growing fashion,
A statement of true triumph, unmatched by the majority and by the figures.
A really nice phrase, especially the first line.
My division doctor devised a simple plan to correct my thoughts,
He helped me understand that life is a temporary anomaly.
Your piece ins growing in me along this, the different treatment of different doctors is a nice touch.
But its laughable how far away from the truth his simple mind was.
His insecurities were even greater than my own.
AH! Frickin' awesome!

So armless man,
singing in the downpour;
Was that frog shower a stanza of
'weird things happening, just 'cause they do?'
Or was it 'a' (G)god allowing his animals to birth new chords of life?
Or maybe just a bit of both?
I like this stanza but I don't know where this came from... It sounded dumped in here...

Arguing with the clock in the morning of my review seemed so pointless,
But I had this niggling feeling that I belonged in bed and nothing should stop that.
I totally understand you here, making a connection between me and the poetic "me" (assuming the poetic "me" is you)
My mother's doctor mistook me for a man of confidence and abilities,
I guess he thought I was my mum.
Funny... somehow
But no matter how hard I forced the arms to turn around and pace that way
I only felt this crackling pain in my shoulders that told me someone is very very very angry

with me
with you
maybe?
maybe not?
maybe I don't know
maybe I don't care to know
Or shouldn't care to know?
Loved this one ! It's so artsy ^^ Though it sounds dumped in here again, but screw it. I liked this one too much to bash it!


Sitting on the stool in my morning drool was belittling but brilliant.
Something made me like this line. Not sure what, bt it's was probably a comforting imagery I felt.
I finally felt like saying, this is the real me?
Even though the towel wrapped around my throat, clearly contained no stain of pain.
My fathers doctor... wait my Dad never had a doctor... oh well.
But what about the times when he fell head first into the barrier of youth
and forgot that he was an old man with nothing and everything to loose?
This one was peculiary good! It was original! (Btw, the entire piece is original but this one crossed over)

Like I say... oh well.

So legless man
with your showering charm
Was that a real downpour or did you just cry?
“Weird things continue to happen” spoke the news report.
I still don't understand it...



Overall, it was filled with over-the-top originality, something artistic but on the other hand some stanzas sounded random (or at least, I didn't understand). I'll some back here tomorrow to see if I missed something, in that case, I'll let you know. By now, this is everything. Good job ! And a tired, but enjoyable read.
#4
Well overal, I wrote this piece as my interpretation of the theory of fate. My theory is it doens't exist, not in a humanly fashion anyway. But it contained many other points as well that I picked up after I wrote it. So, it may seem confusing, I know it took me a while to overcome my own shortcomings!
"So armless man,
singing in the downpour;
Was that frog shower a stanza of
'weird things happening, just 'cause they do?'
Or was it 'a' (G)god allowing his animals to birth new chords of life?
Or maybe just a bit of both?"

This section was borrowed from the film Magnolia with the scene of the frog shower. I was trying to portray the feeling of confusion and that how sometimes weird things just happen, not for a particular reason (God doesn't 'take' little children by death and plant them in his garden in Heaven, for instance) just maybe by coincidence, and silly circumstances do sometimes force odd behaviour to arise, it doesn't necessarily have to mean anything.

Thank you very very much for your help and pleasing comments.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
A.F.T.E

I chewed the wax cud with the ever changing teeth broken inside my mouth.
Its clotted matter felt hot and trickling with a slow sense of insecurity.
The diet doctor had foolishly disregarded my remarks of subtle pain and anguish;
He said it was a, “temporary sensation that would soon relapse into nothing.”
But no matter how hard I tried to harmonize the equalizer,
I still felt the loose strings tightening around my tongue.

The brittle sense of belonging in this world is an ever growing fashion,
A statement of true triumph, unmatched by the majority and by the figures.
My division doctor devised a simple plan to correct my thoughts,
He helped me understand that life is a temporary anomaly.
But its laughable how far away from the truth his simple mind was.
His insecurities were even greater than my own.

So armless man,
singing in the downpour;
Was that frog shower a stanza of
'weird things happening, just 'cause they do?'
Or was it 'a' (G)god allowing his animals to birth new chords of life?
Or maybe just a bit of both?

Arguing with the clock in the morning of my review seemed so pointless,
But I had this niggling(word?) feeling that I belonged in bed and nothing should stop that.
My mother's doctor mistook me for a man of confidence and abilities,
I guess he thought I was my mum.
But no matter how hard I forced the arms to turn around and pace that way
I only felt this crackling pain in my shoulders that told me someone is very very very angry

with me
with you
maybe?
maybe not?
maybe I don't know
maybe I don't care to know
Or shouldn't care to know?


Sitting on the stool in my morning drool was belittling but brilliant.
I finally felt like saying, this is the real me?
Even though the towel wrapped around my throat, clearly contained no stain of pain.
My fathers doctor... wait my Dad never had a doctor... oh well.
But what about the times when he fell head first into the barrier of youth
and forgot that he was an old man with nothing and everything to loose?

Like I say... oh well.

So legless man
with your showering charm
Was that a real downpour or did you just cry?
“Weird things continue to happen” spoke the news report.



This is very different from what I have written before so it sucks, please tell me and I will most likely disgard it as a fling and a pretense of attraction. Thank you very much for your time and help.

Digitally Clean



I love the downpour line. I like that you didnt use the usual variety of words and changed it up a bit. What is this? A story, poem, what? I would read you as an author if you continued to use the adjectives and words you do. 8.5/10 There was nothing that made me say OMG!!11 But it was solid throughout.