#1
This is the first part of a concept album I'm working on. I've written a lot of songs and poetry over the years, but never attempted an entire story arch over several songs, tied together with an underlining theme. I love albums like The Wall and A Guide to Hitchiking, so I figured I'd give it a try. This is the first part.

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Freedom


I got an issue from Mother Command,
Telling me there was work to be done,
I smiled and saluted with my left hand,
Knowing I was her only born son.

I looked for a job; they said they’d get back to me,
They told me that they would give me a call.
I sit at home by the phone lonely,
Wondering if it’s worth it at all.

But I saw a poster behind a dusty window,
Of an old man who was staring at me,
His finger was pointed, with an old wrinkled brow,
Promising freedom from this monotony.

He asked me if I was sure I was ready,
And to please sign on the dotted line,
I know it would like they said it’d be,
Far off places filled with woman and wine.
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.
#3
Makes me think a little bit of coheed and cambria, I'd like to read the next installment, this one seems to sign off with a bit of tension, what is the result of the issue from mother command?
#4
Quote by A-S-m-i-t-h

________________________________



Freedom


I got an issue from Mother Command,
Telling me there was work to be done,
I smiled and saluted with my left hand,
Knowing I was her only born son.
Really, nothing wrong here. I loved all of it. Good flow, the rhyme was simple but it worked very well here. Good way to open this song.

I looked for a job; they said they’d get back to me,
They told me that they would give me a call.
I sit at home by the phone lonely,
Wondering if it’s worth it at all.
I don't like the change of pace between the two halves of this stanza. It roughens up the flow a little bit. I would make either the first two lines shorter or the last two lines longer. Good writing otherwise though.

But I saw a poster behind a dusty window,
Of an old man who was staring at me,
His finger was pointed, with an old wrinkled brow,
Promising freedom from this monotony.
I liked the wording here, there was good imagery, but for some reason, the last line didn't seem right to me. I'm sure that it would sound good with music, I don't know.

He asked me if I was sure I was ready,
And to please sign on the dotted line,
I know it would (be?) like they said it’d be,
Far off places filled with woman and wine.
I liked this ending, and this stanza was really good, exept(this is just me) I would change the abbreviation it'd to it would. Oh, and I think you mean't to have the word be in the third line?


Overall a good peice, sets the stage well for the next installment. I always like a good concept album, so
I can't wait to read the next peice
C4C?
My peice is here:
Imperfection Revolution
#5
Thanks for the critique guys! Sorry for the late reply, I've been having some computer issues.
When everybody's gone home, all but the friends and lovers, that's when the best things happen.