#1
Ok, this is my first attempt.
Think Rage against the Machine-esque, very crunchy, powerful, dirty guitar.
tear it apart, etc. do what you will. I appreciate it.

Lie Awake in Fear

It all starts with a sound, ]
a note, a word, no guitar/bass yet, just drum build & quiet vocals
a challenge...you can't stop it ]
you won't stop it... ]

intro riff...

This reign of lies is at an end
with wills of steel we will contend
...countless fists, raised to an impassioned cry.

A Molotov lullaby, we'll sing it while we die,
we've got a cause, with our souls we shall defend.
There's no thought of failure when the masses act as one

Chorus:
Give up now,
You cannot win,
there can be no triumph
for you to whom...passion is no friend

Like ones before,
Our day'll remain,
a scream on the throats of those who won't be tamed

You kill to keep peace,
we fight to make it real,
what you never trusted, now brings you your end


Chorus

So lie awake in fear, all you who deign
to feel as if you've got us well in hand.



I got pumped up, tell me what ya think.
Last edited by Firebrand at Jul 18, 2008,
#2
okay. sounds pretty good. though i think you should have some in flames style volcals
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#3
I'm not familiar with In Flames, what sort vocals do you mean?
(I hope I'm allowed to reply, this isn't a bump)
#4
Quote by Firebrand
Ok, this is my first attempt.
Think Rage against the Machine-esque, very crunchy, powerful, dirty guitar.
tear it apart, etc. do what you will. I appreciate it.

Lie Awake in Fear

It all starts with a sound, ]
a note, a word, no guitar/bass yet, just drum build & quiet vocals
a challenge...you can't stop it ]
you won't stop it... ]
I like the intro, it's kind of cliche, but it still sounds good. I was imagining it as kind of rap sounding (in a good way) before the instruments came in?
intro riff...

This reign of lies is at an end
with wills of steel we will contend
...countless fists, raised to an impassioned cry.

I didn't really like the triplet here, it seemed cut off for me. The writing is good, but it could use another line.
A Molotov lullaby, we'll sing it while we die,
we've got a cause, with our souls we shall defend.
There's no though of failure when the masses act as one

I liked the internal rhyme in the first line, and the triplet here worked. I would've liked to see the last line rhyme with defend, just me. It still sounds good, though. Oh, and did you mean "thought"?
Chorus:
Give up now,
You cannot win,
there can be no triumph
for you to whom...passion is no friend

I liked the rhyme and flow here, once again, cliche but it works. I didn't like the pause, though. I would just get rid of the ... .
Like ones before,
Our day'll remain,
a scream on the throats of those who won't be tamed

Once again, liked the triplet feel and rhyme here. The lenght of the last line sounds good when i say it to myself, not sure how you mean it to sound, though.
You kill to keep peace,
we fight to make it real,
what you never trusted, now brings you your end

I liked the wording here, but I would've liked to see the last line rhyme with real, IMO.
Chorus

So lie awake in fear, all you who deign
to feel as if you've got us well in hand.

I liked this ending, but once again, I would've liked rhyme. That's just me, though. If that's not the sound you're going for, then don't change a thing. Oh, and did you mean reign?

I got pumped up, tell me what ya think.


Overall a good peice, the flow and rhyme were rough in a couple of places, but I liked it. C4C?
Imperfection Revolution
#5
thanks for the critique! it was helpful. I put this on here pretty much completely unrevised, so the feedback will definitely improve it. oh, I did mean thought, and deign was purposeful (its a good word).
#6
Quote by Firebrand

Lie Awake in Fear

It all starts with a sound, ]
a note, a word, no guitar/bass yet, just drum build & quiet vocals
a challenge...you can't stop it ]
you won't stop it... ]

intro riff...

This reign of lies is at an end
with wills of steel we will contend
...countless fists, raised to an impassioned cry.

A Molotov lullaby, we'll sing it while we die,
we've got a cause, with our souls we shall defend.
There's no thought of failure when the masses act as one
I don't like the last two lines here. The "We've got a cause" is good, but what follows dropped it for me.
Chorus:
Give up now,
You cannot win,
there can be no triumph
for you to whom...passion is no friend
The chorus sounds sort of immature and amateur. I like what I think is the idea.. Work on delivering it better.
Like ones before,
Ones before? I'd drop the "ones" in favor of another word.. Maybe "those"
Our day'll remain,
Would sound better as "day will" to me
a scream on the throats of those who won't be tamed

Last line doesn't belong here..
You kill to keep peace,
we fight to make it real,
what you never trusted, now brings you your end

I'd work on the delivery in the last three lines here.
Chorus

So lie awake in fear, all you who deign
I'd drop "you"
to feel as if you've got us well in hand.
And the "as if."


I don't get the random ellipses throughout the song; care to explain? lol

I think you have a good idea.. But some of your word choices and your phrasing and your delivery in general sort of takes away from it. I'd work on better wording and how you write out your idea(s).
#7
The ellipses were intended to denote pauses. Thanks for the critique. I don't know on this song, the more times I read it, the less I like it (I probably wouldn't have even put it on had I not been slightly intoxicated at the time). I think my other one is better.