#1
Remember that time we were sitting in a forest
Surround by pines we heard a crashing plane
For quite a few minutes we were convinced it would kill us
The sounds crescendoed and revealed it was a train

A young man stands on a dark porch
He recites a solemn soliloquy
Then extinguishes his bright torch
Lit for a girl of foreign ethnicity

She's worships the glamorous
She's made it romantic
Riding all night on a public bus
Referred to as a naive alcoholic

Only thing you have is your skin
I hope that it isn't too thin

crit4crit
I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger......a man on the move and just sick enough to be totally confident.

Quote by Hexagram
Oh and Zeke, i find you to be over-rated
#2
Remember that time we were sitting in a forest
Surround by pines we heard a crashing plane
For quite a few minutes we were convinced it would kill us
The sounds crescendoed and revealed it was a train
Nice start, i like the description. The flow is broken in some places, maybe if u changed the last lines to
'For quite a few minutes, convinced it would kill us
Yet the sounds crescendoed to reveal but a train"
it would work out better"

A young man stands on a dark porch
He recites a solemn soliloquy
Then extinguishes his bright torch
Lit for a girl of foreign ethnicity
Instead of dark porch, maybe darkened porch would sound better for the flow. Its sort of random though, the setting goes from two people in a forest to a man reciting speeches.
She's worships the glamorous
She's made it romantic
Riding all night on a public bus
Referred to as a naive alcoholic
Maybe rides all might would be better here and do you mean she worships the glamorous when you say she's worships the glamorous??
Only thing you have is your skin
I hope that it isn't too thin
Nice ending

It was nice seeing a poem on this forum..i liked this one. and the title was interest, but whats it about??Because it was a bit unclear.

could you crit mine??
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=912619
thx\