#1
Rise and mourn
Long walk through a desert storm.
Death of a friend.
Letters I send,
Too greater powers with balloons.
Helium lift,
High pitched voice.
Violin choir,
I'd make you my wife.
Already kissed me twice tonight
What do you know?
You're just an angel melting with the snow.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jul 18, 2008,
#2
Quote by freshtunes
Rise and mourn
Something about this really stood out to me. I like it a lot.
Long walk through a desert storm.
This made me thing this might be political, and it wasn't. Just read into the "desert storm" part.
Death of a friend.
Letters I sent,
Too greater powers with balloons.
Awesome. Pure and simple.
Helium lift,
High pitched voice.
Violin choir,
I'd make you my wife.
Already kissed me twice
Ever since, it's been wierd.
The word "weird" here completely ruined the whole vibe you had here.
What do you know?
You're just an angel melting in the snow.
Cool ending.


I am a huge fan of this piece, there were a couple word choices that I didn't like at all.
#3
Great to see you post again, amigo.

I'll say this, I loved it until the end.

The end to me just felt like a cop-out. It probably wasn't, but to me it felt like you had no idea how to close this, so you went with an easy poetic image that really makes the piece feel like it accomplished nothing. In a sense (and this is just my opinion) it made the piece almost not worth reading. It had such a gritty feel to it... somehting real... something tangible... and then the last two lines just flitted off into this realm of happy endings and tortoises outrunning hares. If you hang this piece up in a different way... and keep that "in my face" sort of tone, I think it resonates a lot more strongly.

I could be crazy though. If you feel like it, I'd love your opinion on For Dylan in my sig... if not, cool.

-zC
#4
Eh.

Meandering on this since you posted it. Feel it would benefit from more expansive imagery than just one line per idea.

Good, but, each idea feels cut short. Let them follow through to create a more meaningful piece.
#5
"You're just an angel melting with the snow."
That line I like. You could probably put together a song just on that.