#1
i leer at her a little
like a young
natalie portman
from the lips to the hips
it's bad but
damn
it's good
so near to me
breathing out
deep moans
manouvreing the air
with swinging arms
white teeth sneaking
from a sandy face
brittle beauty
touch and break.

she silhouettes out of there
around three
her shadow
seductively opaque
like always
i catch her on the bridge
whisper
and she drops the cigarette
to kiss me with her hands
around my neck
a choking moment
if there ever was one.

in the morning
i leer at her a little
between my sheets
she's like a flake
from a ninety nine
a little cheap
but worth the change
she's brittle
brown
and mine.



I'm tryinng to get back but busy lately. Anything appreciated.
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
i leer at her a little
like a young
natalie portman
from the lips to the hips
it's bad but
damn
it's good
so near to me
breathing out
deep moans
manouvreing the air
with swinging arms
white teeth sneaking
from a sandy face
brittle beauty
touch and break.

Not bad, the last two lines really stick out. The alliteration with brittle, beauty, and break was nice. "Deep moans manouvering the air" I can picture this women standing there, and you're paying so close attention to her you can see her breathe.


she silhouettes out of there
around three
her shadow
seductively opaque
like always
i catch her on the bridge
whisper
and she drops the cigarette
to kiss me with her hands
around my neck
a choking moment
if there ever was one.

"A choking moment" Literally, and metaphorically. Like you are choked up right? Seductively opaque feels really good to say out loud. "hands around my neck" Are her arms around her neck, or is this more of a strangling position with the hands? Choice of words may be off.

in the morning
i leer at her a little
between my sheets
she's like a flake
from a ninety nine
a little cheap
but worth the change
she's brittle
brown
and mine.

You stay true to your story here by using the word brittle again to describe her. Most of the time when I see a word used twice to describe the same thing, I think "Oh well they ran out of words" But that is not the case, I think it reinforces the womens image.





I haven't been around in a while, or read much of anything, but I can see your writing style has changed significantly for the better. Nice work, more like a really well told story than anything else. If you get a chance could you take a look at my new piece? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=912771 Thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
The end of the second stanza was full of win. I liked this. I'd tell you to get out of your comfort zone, butttt, I like reading it too much.
#5
i leer at her a little
like a young
natalie portman
from the lips to the hips
it's bad but
i'd much rather see
got it than it's
the first time round.

damn
it's good
so near to me
breathing out
deep moans
manouvreing the air
with swinging arms
white teeth sneaking
from a sandy face
brittle beauty
touch and break.
this was all tasty
with images, alliteration, and rhyme.


she silhouettes out of there
i like the use of silhouettes
as a verb.

around three
her shadow
i could see this line gone entirely.
seductively opaque
like always
i catch her on the bridge
whisper
and she drops the cigarette
to kiss me with her hands
around my neck
a choking moment
if there ever was one.
the last would benefit
from less, i think.
drop one from the end.
maybe replace
there with one


in the morning
i leer at her a little
still nice the second time round.
between my sheets
she's like a flake
from a ninety nine
i have no clue what a ninety nine is
so most of this means little to me.

a little cheap
but worth the change
she's brittle
brown
and mine.


you lost me for a while
but i still enjoyed the ride.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Quote by #1 synth
I would tell you the same thing you posted as a comment to my blog post, nearly verbatim.


Oh I'm writing form, not posting it. I felt this was golden. Still do.

SYK, the shadow/seductive idea is one of my favourite ideas ever. It reads so sexily, and it has the most incredible meanings.

Cheers Kyrl and Nick, too. I'll try and get back to you guys.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 19, 2008,